


Heaven Is A Place

by thefangirlingdead



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: (it only happens once very briefly), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, College, Consent, Drinking, Enthusiastic Consent, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, Homophobic Language, Love Confessions, M/M, Oral Sex, Pining, Reincarnation, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:28:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23556082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlingdead/pseuds/thefangirlingdead
Summary: Erwin Smith and Levi Ackerman are kindred spirits.(AKA, modern reincarnation AU where Erwin and Levi have been friends since childhood)
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 109
Kudos: 499





	1. it's all that i can do

**Author's Note:**

> _I don't know when I started loving you_  
>  _Now it's all that I can do_  
>  _Heaven is a place I know when I'm with you_  
>  \- [Heaven Is A Place - Amber Run](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiV9qbERf4Q)
> 
> Hiiii.
> 
> I haven't written in forever, so please be kind. I've had this idea half worked out and floating around in my head for quite a while now, so I figured quarantine was the perfect time to finish it and get it posted. 
> 
> The first chapter is A LOT of world building, but I promise things start happening soon. I toyed around with making this one long giant chapter, but it was a little overwhelming, so I'm going to break it up into about 5 chapters.
> 
> And of course, it's a reincarnation AU cause that's all dis bitch knows how to write lol. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> (also come yell at me on Tumblr about this so I don't start slacking off https://thefangirlingdead.tumblr.com)

Erwin Smith and Levi Ackerman are kindred spirits. 

At least, that’s what their parents call them when they become inseparable friends at the young age of seven. Levi, a generally quiet, well behaved and reserved kid, immediately comes out of his shell the first time he meets Erwin, shortly after Levi and his mother move in next door to the Smith residence. Although his memory of their first meeting is vague - if he remembers correctly, Erwin’s mother had stopped by to introduce herself and brought her young son along with her - Levi knows that they clicked right away. If anyone asks him about it when he’s older, he just explains that Erwin just  _ got him _ . 

Levi moves in next door to Erwin the summer before second grade, and from there, the rest is history. Levi and Erwin go to the same elementary school, and Levi regularly catches rides to and from school with Erwin’s family when his mother is busy at work. Erwin and Levi play together at recess, sit next to each other in class when it is allowed and see one another nearly every weekend. Whether they’re in Erwin’s bedroom playing with toy soldiers or Levi’s backyard imagining that they’re on a grand adventure in some far-off world, they’re inseparable. 

Levi and Erwin grow up together, from grade school to middle school and their awkward teen years. In seventh grade, Levi discovers punk music (it’s all thanks to his uncle Kenny, really) and while Erwin flourishes, making friends and earning straight A’s and the praise of his teachers, Levi keeps his head down and finds himself getting lost in music more than he socializes with others. Levi doesn’t make a ton of friends throughout middle school, but he remains close with Erwin, and to Levi, that’s all that matters.

Erwin is outgoing and charismatic (albeit a little weird and beyond his years at times) and he quickly climbs up the social ladder, making friends with just about everyone he comes across. That, and with his blonde hair and striking blue eyes, the girls certainly love him. Levi, on the other hand, tends to keep to himself. His classmates don’t necessarily go out of their way to be nice to him, but they do tolerate him because he’s Erwin’s best friend. Well, that, and because he can sure as hell hold his own in a scuffle, as half of the seventh grade class learns when the wrong person decides to pick on Levi one day at lunch and Levi lays him out on the cafeteria floor. 

Levi and Erwin remain inseparable throughout middle school and into high school despite their differences and varying social circles, and by the time they’re both fourteen, they start their first year of high school together. While they don’t necessarily spend every waking moment together as they did when they were younger, they still remain incredibly close as they get older, too. Close enough that when Levi hears a couple of their classmates making snide comments about Erwin calling him a “teacher’s pet” among other names, (by high school, his smarts become less impressive and more of a talking point among bullies and those who envy him) Levi is quick to defend him. And when one of the boys scoffs and asks Levi, “Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?” Levi doesn’t think twice before grabbing him by the back of his head and slamming it quickly into his desk. 

“So what did you do this time?” Erwin asks Levi later that day, waiting for him on the front steps of his house when he  _ finally _ gets home from after school detention. 

“Kid was talking shit,” Levi mutters, “So I shut him up.”

Erwin snorts out a laugh. It’s his normal, endearing response to Levi when he’s blunt like this. “What did he say?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Levi replies immediately. Rather than facing Erwin, he fishes in his pocket to grab his house keys, unlocking the front door. “You coming in?”

Erwin stands to follow Levi, but he doesn’t drop the subject. “Was it about me?” he asks tentatively. He knows that Levi has jumped into fights for him in the past and he feels guilty about it every time. And when Levi doesn’t answer, it tells him everything he needs to know. “You know, you don’t need to fight my battles for me, Levi.”

“Yeah, well you’re my friend and I’m not just going to let some asshole get away with saying shit about you,” Levi all but yells, whirling around to face Erwin in the entryway of his house.

From somewhere within the house, Levi hears his mom’s voice -  _ “Levi! Language!” _ \- but it doesn’t quite wipe the sneer from his lip. 

At that Erwin takes a step forward, reaching out to touch Levi’s arm in an effort to calm him down. “Thank you,” he murmurs, offering Levi a smile, “You’re a good friend, Levi. But, I don’t want you to  _ feel _ like you have to fight my battles for me.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “Yeah,  _ well _ ...”

And then, an idea seems to hit Erwin. “How about you teach me how to fight?” he asks, his face lighting up.

Levi’s eyes widen, “Wait, what?”

“Well, you’re good at holding your own,” Erwin suggests, “Maybe you could teach me, so you don’t always have to fight for me. Besides, it’s getting old, waiting for you to get out of detention to hang out.”

Levi huffs out an amused laugh. “What, you trying to say that you wanna get stuck in detention  _ with _ me, Smith?

Erwin laughs too. “Yeah, maybe.”

It’s  _ in _ detention together, about three months later, that Levi eventually comes out to Erwin. 

It’s funny, how Levi always happens to be the one to land himself in trouble for fighting, but the other party always gets to walk free, and that’s exactly what happens on that day in particular. Levi had been minding his own business, walking to class, when he felt something small hit his arm. He paused for a moment, glancing around, but when he couldn’t see anyone or anything, he continued walking. Then, it happened again, only this time, hitting the back of his head. Again, he had glanced around, and this time, someone called out to him -

“Over here,  _ faggot _ !”

\- and finally, he spotted him. The bully wasn’t new - it was some shithead upperclassman that Levi  _ hated _ \- but the word that he used was unexpected. Although he’d occasionally get picked on here or there for his short stature, dark hair or skinny jeans, nobody had ever used that word in particular, and well... it set Levi off. 

He doesn’t remember much of the fight, only that the kid had been bloody by the time someone pulled Levi off of him, and that Erwin was suddenly there by his side, in the thick of it, fighting off some of the bully’s friends who had apparently decided to jump into the fight. It lands both boys in detention for the rest of the day (naturally, the upperclassmen get to walk free) and for the majority of their time in the empty classroom, they’re silent. That is, until the teacher eventually leaves the room to use the restroom, ordering a strict,  _ “no talking” _ before walking out the door. 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you didn’t need to jump into that with me,” Levi mutters quietly, as soon as the door clicks shut and they’re finally alone. 

Naturally, Erwin just shrugs just as Levi has done countless times and says, “I’m your friend. I wanted to.”

Levi scoffs. It’s apparent that he won’t convince Erwin otherwise, so instead, he turns the topic of conversation slightly. “Well thanks. Those shitheads should be in here with us, though. Not my fault they suck at fighting. They fucking started it.”

“Funny how it always works out like this,” Erwin mutters, shaking his head. Then, he glances up at Levi. “What did they do, anyway?”

Levi starts at Erwin’s question. He had been certain that Erwin was nearby, that he’d heard the insult as it was shouted across the hallway and that’s why he got involved, but apparently, he didn’t hear anything. Levi swallows. “He called me a faggot,” he bites. His voice feels thick, dirty when he says it. Even now, he feels rage and anxiety pumping through his veins. He contemplates not telling Erwin, but Erwin’s his best friend, and Levi rarely hides anything from him.

“What the fuck...” Erwin mutters, shaking his head again, “Those guys are the worst.” 

Levi watches Erwin for a moment, mulling over his next words before he decides  _ fuck it _ and lets them slip. “He’s right, you know.”

Erwin turns to look at Levi at that, his eyebrows drawing in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m gay,” Levi replies with a shrug. The words come out easier than he anticipated, but he still averts his eyes as he says it, afraid of looking directly at Erwin. It’s something he has felt for a while, but something he’s never said out loud, not until now. Right now, he doesn’t want to see Erwin’s face when he says it, for fear of seeing something that he doesn’t like reflected back at him, and after a beat of silence, he adds, “I mean, at least I think I am.” 

“ _ Oh _ .” At first, that’s all Erwin says and Levi keeps his eyes trained on his hands, refusing to look up. That is, until Erwin speaks again. “Well, how long have you known?”

Finally, Levi glances in Erwin’s direction, and he’s surprised to see a look of curiosity, but not disgust on his face. “I uh… I don’t know,” Levi shrugs, “For a while, I guess.”

“Oh,” Erwin repeats. And then, he’s offering Levi a warm smile, “Thank you, for telling me, Levi. I -”

Just as Erwin speaks, though, the classroom door opens once more and he turns away, silent again. 

Still, Levi can’t wipe the smile from his face. 

Their sophomore year of high school, Erwin takes Levi to homecoming. It’s a “just as friends” thing, when Erwin discovers that his best friend doesn’t have a date and later, they get into a small argument when Levi learns that Erwin even turned down a few dates of his own to take him, but Erwin insists that there’s nobody else he’d rather go with.

Truthfully, Levi begins to fall for his best friend long before then, but it’s that night that he finally admits it to himself.   


Shortly after homecoming that year, Erwin starts dating Marie, one of their fellow classmates. She’s sweet and funny and strikingly beautiful and very kind to Levi, and Levi fucking  _ hates _ her for it. While they get along great and she treats Erwin well - and he’s absolutely  _ smitten _ \- it drives Levi mad. He’d actually like it more if she was  _ mean _ to him, because then it would make it easier for Levi to justify disliking her. But in reality, it’s just pure jealousy. 

It drives Levi mad, because he’s not the one on Erwin’s arm, and as far as he’s concerned, he never will be. But Levi pushes those selfish thoughts down. He doesn’t voice them, because he knows that Erwin doesn’t feel the same way and the last thing that he wants to do is come between Erwin and his high school sweetheart, even if he wants nothing more than for them to break up. 

But they don’t.

For the first few months after Erwin and Marie begin dating, Levi still hangs out with Erwin just as much as he used to, staying the night at his house for movie marathons or going hiking with Erwin and his father on the weekends, and inviting Erwin out to concerts whenever he has enough money to buy tickets. Levi is determined not to let Erwin’s blossoming relationship with Marie come between them, and for a while, it doesn’t. Erwin has never been the type to put a girl in front of anything in his life, be it friendships or his school work, but slowly, about a year into dating Marie, things begin to change. 

Levi first notices it after the start of their junior year of high school. Although he hung out with Erwin nearly as much as he normally did over the summer - Levi even convinced Erwin to attend a music festival with him in mid July - shortly after the start of the school year, Levi begins to see less and less of his best friend. It’s partially because Erwin has been spending more time than usual with Marie, and partially because Levi can’t stand to be around her or hear about her, if he’s being honest. Slowly, Levi begins seeing less of Erwin on the weekends, despite the fact that they’re still next door neighbors, as Erwin begins spending more and more of his free time with Marie. It isn’t a huge change - they certainly aren’t drifting apart by any means - but it’s enough for Levi to notice, especially when you’ve been spending nearly every free moment with the same friend since you were kids. But if it upsets him, Levi pushes it down and doesn’t say anything to Erwin. The last thing he wants is to come off as needy, annoying or god forbid, jealous. 

So slowly, Levi stops spending as much time with Erwin. At first, it’s gradual. Levi will only hang out with Erwin one day of the weekend instead of both. Then, about halfway through their junior year, it’s every other weekend that they find time to do something together when Erwin isn’t busy with Marie or her family. Erwin mentions it a few times in passing -  _ “Levi, I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages”  _ or  _ “We need to go to the movies this weekend, it has been too long!” _ \- but Levi simply brushes it off, determined not to make a big deal of it. 

However, the longer Erwin is with Marie, the further apart they drift. By the start of their senior year, Levi only really sees Erwin in passing at school, in their shared classes and off hour on Wednesdays. 

Only once does Erwin confront him about it, and Levi is quick to brush it off. It’s on a Wednesday afternoon as the first semester of their senior year comes to a close, and the two of them find themselves sitting together in their school’s library during their off hour. Erwin has been helping Levi cram for finals and it’s honestly one of the few times they’ve seen each other lately. 

Levi has absolutely noticed this, but he hasn’t brought it up to Erwin for two reasons. First, he doesn’t want to come off as a needy or clingy friend, especially because Erwin has been spending so much time with Marie lately. But his second and more important reason for not bringing up the distance to Erwin is because he has been slowly creating that distance. Ever since it became apparent that Marie wasn’t just a little fling, that she was going to be sticking around for good, Levi began distancing himself. He hated how jealous he would get whenever Erwin brought her up, or how sick to his stomach it made him to see them kiss. It was pathetic, really so if she wasn’t going anywhere, then Levi  _ was.  _

He thought he was doing a damn good job of masking his annoyance and coming up with valid excuses why he never could hang out, especially when Erwin just eventually stopped asking him, but now, sitting in the library, watching the way that Erwin glances up at him between flash cards, Levi feels a pit forming in his stomach. He knows what Erwin’s going to say before he even mutters, “ _ What _ ?”

Erwin’s brows are pulled down in thought, his mouth forming a hard line, and for a moment, Levi thinks he might have to repeat himself, but then Erwin is speaking. “We don’t hang out as much as we used to.”

It isn’t a question, nor is it an accusation. It’s a simple statement, but judging by the thoughtful, albeit a little bit pained look on Erwin’s face, it’s something he has been considering for more than just the past ten seconds. 

Levi swallows the lump in his throat and mutters, “What, you want us to play in your backyard every day after school like we did when we were kids?”

It takes a moment for the hard line on Erwin’s face to dissipate before he offers Levi a soft smile. “No,” he says, shaking his head, “But I just feel like I haven’t seen you much lately.”

Levi huffs. “Well, we’re hanging out right now, aren’t we?

Erwin rolls his eyes in response. “I’d hardly call helping you study for your chemistry final  _ hanging out _ , Levi.”

And  _ fuck _ , Levi knew that this conversation was going to come eventually, but he didn’t expect Erwin to be so…  _ gentle _ about it. He  _ should _ have expected it, but the soft look on Erwin’s face, the concern in his eyes and the hesitant smile that he gives him is enough to kill him. 

Levi sighs, averting his eyes for fear that whatever’s hidden in his own will give him away. “Yeah, well,” he mutters, running a hand through his hair, “It’s finals week and I’ve been working my ass off on this shit and College applications and -”

“I mean before now,” Erwin insists, cutting Levi off, “It feels like we haven’t seen each other much all semester and -  _ wait _ , Levi...  _ College applications?  _ Where are you applying?”

_ Fuck _ . Levi hadn’t meant to tell Erwin  _ that  _ much, but if it’ll distract him from their near-argument, he’ll take it. Rather than spending the rest of their off hour studying or discussing how they  _ haven’t  _ seen much of each other lately, Levi finds himself telling his best friend about how he has been applying at a few local schools, but has mostly been looking out of state, that he has really been considering going to school for veterinary medicine, but he’s still unsure of what exactly he wants to do. And of  _ course _ Erwin’s face lights up as soon as the words spill out -  _ “Levi that’s great!” _ \- before he begins to tell Levi that he’s been working on a few applications himself, and that (more importantly) they’ve been applying to a lot of the same schools. 

As much as he doesn’t want to, Levi finds himself asking where Marie is going, and is both relieved and disappointed when Erwin’s face twists up into something nearly pained when he explains that he doesn’t really know.

“She has been trying to convince me to apply to a few community colleges in the area but -”

“Hell no, you’re way better than some shitty community college,” Levi hears himself blurting before he can stop the words from leaving his mouth. As soon as they do, he wants to clap a hand over his lips, but the damage is done. Thankfully, Erwin doesn’t seem to take offense.

“I know, I know,” he says with a smile, “I just… I’d hate to go to school out of state and leave her behind.”

Levi opens his mouth, but just as quick as he does, he shuts it, then asks, “Can I be blunt?”

Erwin lets out a surprised laugh at the question, earning a few glares from other students in the library. Then, in a quieter voice, he asks, “ _ When are you not? _ ”

Levi rolls his eyes at Erwin’s teasing, but before speaking again, he chooses his next words carefully. “I know you and Marie have been together for a while now, but you’re still a fucking  _ kid _ , Erwin. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t settle because of her. Don’t sacrifice your dreams because of her.” 

The words come out cool and composed, but Levi feels his heart racing when he says them. He isn’t necessarily voicing his distaste for his best friend’s girlfriend, but at the same time, he also basically just told him to break up with her, if it comes down to it. They haven’t really discussed Marie or Erwin’s relationship with her in this capacity since they began dating and it’s… daunting, to say the least.

That, and it drags Levi’s emotions to the surface as well - emotions that he has worked very hard to keep bottled up and pushed down. It’s selfish, but he can’t help but feel like Erwin would be better off without Marie, that she’ll just hold him back. He doesn’t say that, but it’s heavily implied.

Thankfully, if Erwin is offended by Levi’s words, he doesn’t say so. “I know,” he replies with a sigh, “I love her, but I don’t want to sacrifice my future for her.”

And Levi can’t help the way he bristles at the “L” word. Has it really been that long since he and Erwin have had a proper conversation that he didn’t even know that Erwin and Marie were throwing that word around? He’s not necessarily surprised by any means - they have been dating for nearly two years and he supposes that most couples start using that word long before then - but it’s still strange, hearing Erwin talk about Marie like that. In his mind, Marie is a relatively nice girl and all, but she’s also the person who has come between him and Erwin, the person that drove him away.

Deep down, Levi knows that it’s  _ not _ Marie who drove him away from Erwin, but his own selfish emotions and his reluctance to push them down completely, but he doesn’t bother to fight with those thoughts right now. It would be too much for one afternoon. So instead, he clears his throat and straightens his posture, trying not to let his surprise and emotion show on his face. 

“Yeah, well, I’m sure you’ll figure out what to do. You always do,” he mutters. He doesn’t look Erwin in the eye when he says it, though, and is quick to turn back to the flash cards in front of them again, shuffling them around haphazardly. “Now come on, help me study so I can actually  _ get into _ college.” 

They don’t talk about it again after that, and Levi’s not sure if it’s because it’s a difficult subject for Erwin to breach, or if Erwin had read into his clear distaste for discussing Marie. Either way, the damage is done, and for the next few weeks, Levi can’t help but wonder how much he has  _ really _ missed since he and Erwin were close. How long have Erwin and Marie been throwing around the word _ love _ ? Levi can’t help but wonder if Erwin lost his virginity to her - something that  _ most _ people would tell their best friends about, but Erwin hasn’t mentioned. He also wonders if Erwin really would give up his dreams to go to some shitty school that he doesn’t care about for her. Is she really that important to him? More important than his future?

Ultimately, Levi discovers the answer to  _ that _ question only a month later.

On the first week of class after winter break, Levi is in the library, working on a project for his world history class when he stumbles upon Marie and a group of her friends sitting at his usual table. At first, he doesn’t hesitate as he approaches them from behind, opting to take a seat at the far end of the room, but when he hears one of the girls utter Erwin’s name, he pauses, eavesdropping. 

“I just can’t believe he broke up with you,” one of the girls says in a hushed, albeit angry voice. 

“Yeah, and two days before Christmas, nonetheless,” another chimes in.

_ They can’t be talking about Erwin, could they? _ Levi had seen Erwin the day after Christmas - Erwin insisted on bringing a birthday present and some of his mother’s cheesecake over to Levi’s - and he hadn’t said a word about breaking up with Marie. Surely, he would have told Levi if he had,  _ right _ ?

Levi is pulled out of his own thoughts when Marie’s voice rises out of the chatter. “I’d rather not talk about it,” she insists in an even tone.

“Well we want to,” the second friend argues, “Because if we need to kick his ass Marie, I swear to god -

“What even was his stupid excuse?” a third chimes in. 

When Marie doesn’t say anything right away, Levi fears he has been caught, but when he peers out from behind an aisle, the girls still have their backs turned to him, oblivious. 

Eventually, Marie sighs. This time, when she speaks, she sounds upset. “He said something about us  _ going in different directions _ ,” she explains. “He’s been applying to schools out of state but won’t even  _ consider _ staying here.” 

“That’s bullshit,” the first friend exclaims. The other two mutter some sort of outburst, but it gets lost in the chatter and Levi’s mind running a thousand miles an hour.

_ Holy shit, he did it. He actually broke up with her. _

When Marie speaks again though, it pulls Levi out of his thoughts once more. 

“The worst part is, I think I’d still take him back if he decided to stay.”

_ He doesn’t.  _

In the days and weeks following their breakup, Erwin  _ does _ eventually talk to Levi about it - they even discuss it later that day after Levi tells him what he overheard in the library - and unsurprisingly, he doesn’t go back on his decision. If Levi knows anything about Erwin, it’s that he considers all possible outcomes before making a choice and chances are, he thought long and hard about breaking up with Marie before actually doing it. Although Levi also knows that it hurt Erwin to break her heart, he won’t be begging for her back, either. That’s not who he is. 

Come spring, Erwin has been accepted to quite a few of the colleges that he has applied to, giving him plenty of options when it comes to his future, and none of them include staying in-state for school. And conveniently, Levi has actually received a few acceptance letters himself, all of them to colleges that Erwin has applied to, as well.

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t submit a few of those applications after learning that Erwin applied there as well, but thankfully, nobody asks. 

Ultimately, going to the same school is actually Erwin’s idea. 

He brings it up casually one Saturday afternoon in February, as they’re sitting down at one of Levi’s favorite coffee shops in town. They had gone out with the intention of looking over schools and attempting to narrow down where each of them would like to go, and Levi has been trying all day to come up with a way to casually tell Erwin that he just wants to go wherever  _ he _ goes, so he nearly breaths an audible sigh of relief when Erwin says it. 

“You know, I’ve been looking over everywhere that we’ve both been accepted,” he starts as he takes a seat, waiting to continue until Levi is seated across from us, “And I think there are a couple of choices that have both a great history department and reputable veterinary programs.”

Levi raises his eyebrows in response, eyeing Erwin from across the table. Sure, he and Erwin have discussed at length what they want to go to school for - Erwin has expressed interest in being history major while Levi is adamant that he’d much rather work with animals than people - but this is the first that they’ve talked much about  _ where _ they’re going, and here Erwin is coming out of the gate, seemingly implying that they choose a school together. 

“What are you saying?” Levi asks, hesitant to read too much into his words, but hopeful that Erwin has the same idea as him.

Erwin laughs. “I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve been thinking about how great it would be if we went to the same college,” he explains, “I mean, we’ve already been accepted to many of the same schools, so it would just be a matter of narrowing it down.”

And now, it’s Levi’s turn to snort out an incredulous laugh. When Erwin simply cocks his head in response, a silent question, Levi says, “Sorry, it’s just funny that you wouldn’t pick colleges with your girlfriend, but you want us to go to the same school.” 

Erwin shakes his head in response, a small smile finding its way onto his lips before he says, without missing a beat, “Yeah, well, you’re my best friend. It’s different.”

Levi wants to argue that no, it really isn’t, but the last thing he wants to do is talk Erwin out of it, so instead he rolls his eyes, pushing down the hopeful emotions that bubble up in his throat every time Erwin smiles at him like that, and mutters, “Alright, then where do  _ you _ want to go?”

* * *

By the time that graduation (and eventually summer) rolls around, Levi and Erwin have not only chosen where they’ll be attending school, but they’ve also been spending considerably more time together again. Levi likes to tell himself that he didn’t miss it, that he was perfectly fine  _ not _ seeing Erwin every weekend or having dinner at his house occasionally, but he’d be lying. Truthfully, he hated how they grew apart throughout high school, and he’s grateful that those days are behind them once they’re out of school. Although he can’t promise that he won’t distance himself again the next time Erwin gets a girlfriend, he wants to think that he wouldn’t, simply because he doesn’t want to come that close to losing his best friend again. 

However, Levi reasons that it’ll be pretty hard to distance himself when Erwin is his roommate. 

And again, it’s actually Erwin who suggests the idea to Levi before they get their room assignments, as the first day of school approaches that fall. They’re given the option to pick a roommate prior to freshman orientation, and Erwin simply shrugs when he says it, as if it’s a no-brainer. 

“We should just room together,” he tells Levi one afternoon, sitting on Levi’s bed while Levi rummages through his closet, sorting his clothes into two neat piles:  _ keep _ and  _ donate _ . 

Levi glances up at Erwin at that, raising his eyebrows. “Yeah? What makes you say that?”

It’s teasing, but Erwin takes it in stride, offering Levi a smile. “It only makes sense,” he explains, “Besides, I figured you’d probably rather room with me than some stranger.” 

Levi huffs out a laugh. Erwin isn’t wrong - the idea of being roommates with some likely messy college dudebro sounds pretty terrible. “Yeah, you’re probably one of the only people I’d be able to tolerate living with.”

“ _ Wow _ ,” Erwin clutches a hand over his heart in mock surprise, “You’d  _ tolerate _ me? That’s quite an honor.”

“ _ Shut the fuck up _ ,” Levi hisses, tossing a shirt in Erwin’s direction. He catches it, of course, and that only makes Levi sneer more in his direction. Despite himself, though, he mutters, “Yeah, fine, I’ll be your roommate, Smith. But you better keep your side of the dorm clean.”

* * *

Campus is about a seven hour drive away from home. It’s close enough that it’s easy for both Levi and Erwin to return home for special occasions and holiday breaks, but far enough for them to taste the freedom that they’ve both been craving for the past four years of high school. When move-in finally arrives, Levi and Erin make the drive up together in Erwin’s beat up old sedan, the backseat filled with their belongings. (Okay it’s not  _ that  _ beat up, but it’s definitely  _ lived-in _ , as it was Erwin’s mother’s old car and doesn’t even had electric windows, but Levi can’t complain, since he doesn’t even own a vehicle.) With a kiss goodbye, Levi finally leaves his mom and his hometown behind for the very first time, but it feels right, leaving with Erwin. After all, they’ve always done  _ everything _ together. Why would this be any different?

“Do you remember pretending we were explorers, off on crazy adventures when we were kids?” Erwin asks wistfully, his voice cutting through the music that floats softly through the speakers. The question tears Levi’s attention from the stunning sunset outside the window (it’s bathing the highway and rolling hills around them in soft pinks, purples and oranges) and he glances in Erwin’s direction. Erwin, who honestly looks good  _ all the time,  _ but looks… well,  _ stunning _ now, the dreamy, warm light painting his face in rose gold hues. His eyes seem to twinkle in the sunlight when he takes them off the road for a moment to meet Levi’s gaze. 

Levi offers him a smile and a soft laugh. “Yeah, and even leaving your backyard to go play in the creek behind our houses seemed far away…”

A warm smile settles on Erwin’s face as well. “Funny how things change, huh?”

Levi shrugs at that. He can’t help the teasing tone in his voice when he retorts, “Some things haven’t. You still keep dragging me places with you.”

“Gotta get you out of the house somehow,” Erwin quickly counters, which leaves Levi shaking his head and huffing out a soft laugh.

It’s  _ this _ \- it’s moments like this that make Levi wonder why he’s never just  _ gone for it. _ Why he’s never admitted his feelings to Erwin, just to see what might happen. They already make such a great pair. Already do  _ so much _ together. It would just feel right, but…

But, as the sun sets on the highway and the golden glow slowly disappears from the road ahead of them and Erwin’s face, replaced by gray shadows and muted colors, Levi decides, once more, to say nothing. He’d rather have Erwin in his life like this, then risk losing it all. 

* * *


	2. a place where we could live together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _'Cause heaven is a place I know_   
>  _I tell myself I shouldn't go_   
>  _A place where we could live together_   
>  _Playing with fire, but certain we live forever_
> 
> I really wanted to get this chapter up ASAP because SO MUCH HAPPENS and I'm super happy with it. It'll probably be a few days before I update again just because I'm still working on the end of this and don't want to get TOO ahead of myself, but the next update is definitely coming soon. 
> 
> As always, feel free to bother me on Tumblr about this. [thefangirlingdead.tumblr.com](https://thefangirlingdead.tumblr.com)

Like high school, college is  _ different _ for Levi and Erwin. It’s funny, because throughout each stage in their lives, the dynamic between them (and the world around them) is constantly changing, but through thick and thin, they’re in it together. This time around, it’s Levi who’s social life flourishes in college. Within the first few weeks of classes, Levi makes friends with a couple of other freshmen from out of state - Isabel Magnolia, who is in many of Levi’s classes, and her best friend, Furlan Church. Although he wouldn’t say he’s closer with them than he is with Erwin, Isabel and Furlan really  _ get him, _ and they quickly carve out a space in Levi’s heart, as closed off and guarded as he may be. Furlan and Isabel drag Levi out to parties that first year of college, and Levi, always the good friend, brings Erwin along. 

Levi knows that Erwin goes home with a few cute blonde girls at those parties, and Levi would be lying if he said he didn’t find himself in the bed of a cute guy or two after a few drinks, too. Nothing ever pans out, of course, and as their first year bleeds into summer, then into their second year, Levi tells himself that he can never keep a relationship past a one night stand because he’s focused on his school work, but that’s a damn lie. Sure, his grades aren’t struggling by any means, but it’s not his school work that stops him from committing himself to someone, it’s _Erwin_. It always has been. It’s that stuipid little glimmer of hope that Levi sees when he catches Erwin glancing his way when he thinks he’s not looking, when Erwin does nice little things for him, like having pedialyte ready for him after a long night of partying or offering to help him study before finals. It’s stupid, really - one would think that after over ten years of knowing each other that if something was going to happen, it would have by now - but Levi can’t help it.

By the time they’re both entering into their third year of college, Levi and Erwin are renting a tiny little house together near campus, and Levi, as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, is hopelessly in love with his roommate and best friend.

Then, Erwin kisses him. 

It’s stupid, really, but that doesn’t stop Levi from replaying the events of the night over and over in his head after it happens.

It’s New Year’s Eve, their third year of college when it happens. Levi and Erwin both go home for Christmas, but rather than spending the entirety of winter break with their families, they opt to head back to their place to spend New Year’s and days that follow with some peace and quiet.

But when you’re twenty-one and it’s New Year’s Eve, there really isn’t such a thing as peace and quiet. So naturally, Levi and Erwin get dragged to some wild house party by Furlan and Isabel on December 31st, and while it’s not really their scene, neither of them protest. After all,  _ it’s something to do. _

But again, it’s not really their scene - while Levi definitely doesn’t mind drinking with a few casual friends, this is a little more  _ wild _ for his liking. Walking through the house is like stepping through a minefield. Even by the time they arrive around 9pm, there are glasses and empty cups  _ everywhere _ . Levi recognizes a few people from some of his classes, but most are unfamiliar faces. It makes him  _ uncomfortable _ , to say the least.

So about an hour into the party, when Levi spies Erwin from across the room, leaning up against a wall, nursing a beer and looking genuinely disinterested in  _ anything _ going on around him, Levi decides that now is a better time than ever to  _ dip the fuck out.  _

“Hey, you wanna get out of here?”

Levi’s voice is low, as it normally is, but thankfully, it’s enough to cut through the thumping music of the house party and catch Erwin’s attention. He glances down at Levi with a somewhat surprised look on his face.

“You want to leave?”

“Is there an echo in here?” Levi teases, his lips pulling into a small smirk, “Yeah, I dunno, this just really isn’t my scene, and you looked… well, bored.”

Erwin chuckles. “Is it that obvious?”

“Absolutely,” Levi retorts, “Now slam your drink and let’s get out of here.”

Erwin glances down at his beer before raising it to his lips and finishing it, then follows Levi through the noisy house party. 

“Don’t you want to say goodbye to Furlan and Isabel?” Erwin asks as he trails behind.

Levi shrugs. “Dunno where they are. They probably won’t even notice that we’re gone,” he calls over his shoulder. 

It doesn’t take long to walk home, so rather than waiting for an Uber, the two of them opt to walk. Admittedly a little drunk, Levi can’t help the way he sways a little bit as he walks, bumping Erwin’s hips playfully once or twice. He foolishly lets himself get this way when he drinks. Messy. Flirty. It’s bordering on dangerous, but thankfully, Erwin isn’t put off by it.

“Are you  _ really _ that drunk?” Erwin asks, a teasing tone to his voice. 

Levi snorts out a laugh. Truthfully, he actually did drink more than he’d been planning, and he _is_ feeling pretty good, but, “Nah, I’m just trying to annoy you.” At that, he starts walking backwards, watching Erwin as he does so, a sly little grin spreading across his face. “Is it working?”

“Yeah, I might have to get a new roommate,” Erwin shoots back, his grin betraying his words. He’s a bad liar, especially when he’s drunk. 

But Levi plays along, gasping in mock surprise. _ “You wouldn’t dare.” _

Erwin, bless his soul, holds his ground, insisting, “I would.”

So Levi has an idea. “If I beat you to the house I can claim it as my own,” he proclaims, and sure enough, he can see the spark that lights in Erwin’s eyes at his words. Without another word, they’re both sprinting in the direction of their house. 

Thankfully, they’re not too far from home, and ten minutes later, they’re both breathlessly running up the steps to their front door. It’s Levi who touches it first, but, deciding to show some mercy, he allows Erwin entrance into  _ his _ house, and that’s how they find themselves sitting on the sofa together a mere ten minutes later, drinking vodka sodas (I mean, come on, what else would college kids drink?) and watching New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. It’s moments like this that just make Levi want to finally come clean. When he and Erwin sit quietly on the sofa together - Levi’s knee knocking into Erwin’s thigh when he draws his legs up under himself, Erwin offering him a soft smile when he mutters out an apology - it feels…  _ right. _ It feels like they were meant to co-exist like this. To be partners. To be  _ together. _ And it’s in moments like this that Levi just wants to  _ tell him, _ but he can’t. He can’t, because he’s terrified of losing this. Of losing one of the few people that he cares about in this world.

So he keeps his mouth shut. As perfect as this moment feels, he doesn’t say anything.

A few minutes to midnight, Erwin stands from his spot on the sofa and quickly makes his way to the kitchen, as if he just remembered something important. Levi watches him as he moves, and it isn’t until Erwin is rummaging through the refrigerator that he speaks. “You know the ball is about to drop, right? Can’t your drunk munchies wait?”

Erwin laughs from across the room. “No, I -” he stands up straight again, holding a bottle of champagne high enough for Levi to see, “I forgot I had this! It only makes sense for us to drink it at midnight, right?”

Levi snorts out a laugh, but rises from the sofa, his step faltering a little bit as he approaches Erwin.  _ Shit, he didn’t realize how drunk he was. _

But by the time he is close enough to look Erwin in the eyes, he realizes that he’s pretty buzzed, too. He can see it in the glassy, happy look that Erwin gives him as he holds the bottle out. 

They pop the champagne just a few minutes before midnight and it takes everything inside of him for Levi not to chastise Erwin as he spills some on the countertop and floor as it bubbles over. Levi thrusts a coffee mug at Erwin - at least it’s  _ somewhere _ for the champagne to go, and of course they don’t have proper glasses - and before long, they’re both giggling like children, sipping champagne from mugs like the broke college kids that they are and listening to the countdown on TV. 

By the time midnight hits, Levi is leaning up against the kitchen counter, sipping champagne out of a coffee mug and trying  _ really fucking hard _ not to admire the easy smile that graces Erwin’s lips when he’s been drinking, the way he sways a little bit before catching his balance, and the way his eyes light up when the clock finally strikes midnight. He tries not to stare, but he can’t help it, and thankfully, Erwin is either too drunk to notice or just really doesn’t care. 

“Happy New Year!” Erwin exclaims, extending his own coffee mug to cheers Levi, who scoffs in return, but obliges him nonetheless. 

“Shoulda stayed at that party,” he muses, “We didn’t even have New Year’s kisses.” 

And that’s when it happens. It’s so quick, so soft and gentle and sweet and innocent, that it takes a moment for Levi’s brain to catch up and register what just happened.

One moment, he and Erwin are standing in the kitchen, Levi leaning up against the counter, Erwin just in front of him, wishing him a happy new year, and the next, Erwin’s dipping down, bracing himself with one hand on the counter and planting a quick kiss on Levi’s lips. There’s a brief moment of hesitation, a split second when Erwin regards Levi, as if thinking about what he’s going to do before he acts, but time seems to speed up when it happens, and all but stops immediately after.

It’s a simple, close-mouthed, innocent kiss, but it leaves Levi’s head spinning, has him staring up at Erwin with parted lips and wide eyes after it happens, dumbstruck and surprised and confused. Time slows down, and Levi struggles to catch up, to figure out how to properly react because he  _ never _ in a million years, expected to find himself in this situation. What does he do? Does he finally give in? Does he finally spill it all and tell Erwin how he feels, because if he just kissed him, then the feeling  _ must _ be mutual, right?

But they’ve also been drinking, and that realization has Levi balking a bit, because again, the last thing he wants to do is scare Erwin away. Maybe it was just a playful, innocent kiss. Hell, Isabel has kissed him on the lips before - an innocent, friendly thing after a night of drinking, despite how much Levi protested. And he’s pretty sure even Furlan has kissed him on the cheek once or twice, too. Friends kiss friends. It happens. That’s what this was. Right?

Ultimately, Levi doesn’t show his hand. Instead, he takes a moment to school his features before muttering, “Wow, thanks for the pity kiss.”

It’s perfectly on-brand for Levi. It’s teasing, yet grumpy. It leaves room for an explanation without outright asking Erwin how he feels about him. 

What Levi doesn’t expect, though, is Erwin’s reponse.

His voice is soft, his tone gentle and sincere when he replies, “It wasn’t a pity kiss.”

And it’s then, and only  _ then -  _ because his mind has been on  _ other things, _ like whether or not he should admit his feelings for Erwin - that Levi realizes that Erwin hasn’t moved since their kiss. That Erwin still has one hand braced on the countertop, the other still holding his mug of champagne, effectively barricading Levi against the counter. Erwin’s eyes dart down to Levi’s lips, then back up to meet his gaze, and Levi should be embarrassed of the fact that that’s all it takes before he caves, but he can’t even bring himself to dwell on that because - 

Because, after just a moment’s hesitation, he’s leaning forward, closing the gap between them, and kissing Erwin again. And fuck, it’s not how he expect their first - or second - kiss to go, late at night, drunk in the kitchen, without actually  _ talking  _ about whatever this is, but he’ll take it. He’ll take it, because after only a second, Erwin is returning the kiss in earnest. His hand leaves the countertop in favor of gently coming to rest on Levi’s face, and although Levi is surprised by the contact at first, he eventually leans into it, reveling in the feeling on Erwin’s thumb brushing his cheekbone, his warm palm cradling his face. 

And for a split second, Levi is foolish enough to believe that  _ this, _ this is how things are supposed to be. 

But then, the kiss is ending, just as fast as it began, and Erwin is pulling back, his eyes wide with surprise and - 

And it’s written all over his face. Erwin is drunk. He didn’t think this though. He didn’t  _ plan  _ on this happening, and right now, he certainly regrets it. 

So Levi tries to play it cool, swallowing down his emotions and choking out some joke like,  _ “Well, could have been some creep at the party, so I’ll take it. Thanks Smith,”  _ but honestly, he can barely even hear his own voice in his ears, let alone register what he’s saying. Embarrassment floods his cheeks and he ducks away before Erwin can say or do anything else.

The good thing is, Levi is  _ great _ at avoiding conflict and masking his emotions. Hell, he’s been doing it for years. 

Erwin brings up the kiss once, and  _ only _ once, the next day, after he finally emerges from his bedroom around 11am, hungover and still rubbing his eyes. By then, Levi has already been up for three hours, unable to sleep, replaying the events of the night before over and over in his head. And by the time Erwin finally brings up the kiss, Levi has convinced himself that it was nothing more than an innocent little peck, a playful kiss between friends at midnight on New Year’s Eve - nothing more. He has convinced himself that, had he been near Furlan or Isabel when the clock struck midnight, one of them would have planted a kiss on his face as well, whether he liked it or not. 

He knows that deep down, it’s easier to convince himself of this, to bury his feelings and keep living his life like he has for the past decade, than actually have  _ that _ conversation with Erwin. Erwin, his best friend since childhood. His roommate. The only person who really gets him. The last thing he wants to do is push him away, so when Erwin sits down at the table and glances up at him with a shameful, embarrassed look, Levi already knows what he’s going to say. 

“Levi, about last night -”

“Don’t worry about it,” Levi says quickly. He sets a cup of coffee down in front of Erwin - just how he likes it - but is careful to keep a safe distance between them, as if that’ll make this easier.

Erwin’s brows furrow, his mouth drawing into a confused frown. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Levi says, tone clipped, “We were both pretty drunk.”

Erwin sighs, as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. “I know, but I shouldn’t have - I mean -”

“Hey,” Levi interrupts then, voice a little more gentle. He takes a seat across from Erwin and offers him a small smile, “For the record, I’d rather it be you than some douche at that party. Who knows where any of their disgusting mouths have been and -”

And finally, Erwin cracks a smile, and that’s enough for Levi. 

The kiss is… an obstacle to get over, to say the least. Thankfully, after their talk the next morning, things seem to go back to normal, and Erwin doesn’t bring it up again, but if Levi’s being honest with himself, it’s eating him up inside. It’s childish, really, to keep dwelling on it, but he can’t help it. He can’t help the way his mind drifts to the way that Erwin had tenderly cradled his face, the lidded way his eyes looked when he glanced down at his lips, just before they kissed that second time. He’d be lying if he didn’t think about it late at night, when he couldn’t sleep, when he just needed to get off or when he’d find himself staring at Erwin from across the room, hoping he wouldn’t notice.

It’s stupid, really. A childhood crush, nothing more. But the kiss stays with Levi longer than he’d care to admit. 

At least it doesn’t seem to change their relationship, though. In fact, after that night - after that kiss - they seem closer than ever, and Levi tells himself that at least he got a small taste of what being with Erwin  _ might _ be like, if he never gets to experience the real thing. And over time, things go back to normal. They fall into a rhythm that Levi can live with, that doesn’t leave him feeling like he’s going to explode and confess everything at any given moment.

Things are  _ good. _ They renew their lease on the small house on the hill near campus and before he knows it, Levi is starting his fourth year of college. He’s nearly twenty-two, all grown up and actually kind-of-sort-of figuring his life out…

And then, everything changes.

Just shy of Erwin’s twenty-second birthday, it all comes flooding back.

_ The walls. _

_ The war. _

_ The Survey Corps and - _

_ The 13th Commander and his right-hand man... _

_ Humanity’s strongest. _

_ It comes to Levi in a dream, but it feels too real to be anything but memories. Dreams feel… hazy. Far away. Soft and surreal, but these… _

_ No, these moments are painful, filled with grief and blood and death. Dreams have nothing on the sorrow and longing and soul-crushing agony that these memories have. They’re full of sacrifices and second-guessing, and wondering for years after Erwin was long gone… did he make the right choice?  _

_ Erwin. _

_ Fuck, Erwin. Because of course he’s there. Their strong, confident, fearless leader. The man who, behind closed doors, would only admit to Levi his fears and doubts and pain. Who would let Levi run a hand through his messy hair as he passed by his desk and tell him to “Stop being such a fucking idiot. You’ve got this. You always do.” _

_ The same man who, days later, would come to Levi, on the verge of a breakdown and admit, “No, I don’t have this. I have no idea what I’m doing.” _

_ And Levi would always pick up the pieces and make him whole again, because that’s what a right hand, what a Captain, what a best friend was for. Levi would make promises to Erwin that he knew he couldn’t keep, but he’d be damned if he didn’t try, just to see that beautiful smile grace his face, just one last time. And ultimately, Levi would be the one to let Erwin rest, because he saw the pain that he was in, and he couldn’t stand to see him suffer anymore. Because that’s what Erwin would do for him. _

_ That’s what best friends - what partners would do.  _

When Levi wakes, it’s with a sharp gasp, his eyes wet with tears, his body still in shock. Immediately, he reaches up to touch his face, to feel for a scar that isn’t there, and he finds -

_ Nothing. _ Nothing but memories.

_ Memories. _

Levi gasps again, but this time, it isn’t from pain or fear, but… excitement. Because he  _ knows _ that he wasn’t dreaming. In his heart, he knows that they were memories, and  _ finally, _ it all seems to just  _ click.  _ The way he and Erwin had first bonded when they were children. Kindred spirits, their parents had called them. The way that Erwin is still the only person who truly  _ gets _ Levi. The way that Levi feels about Erwin - feelings that he’s harbored not just for one, but for two lifetimes, and -

_ Erwin. _

Erwin, who is probably awake already, just down the hall from Levi, living under the same fucking roof, and  _ very much alive. _

Levi all but leaps out of bed and throws his bedroom door open. It isn’t until he’s walking quickly down the hallway that he even  _ considers _ the possibility that Erwin might  _ not _ remember, that he might look like a crazy person running into the kitchen and demanding to know if he remembers their past life but 

But the second that Levi lays eyes on Erwin -  _ Erwin _ , in the flesh and blood, sitting at their tiny kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee - that it  _ all  _ really comes flooding back. It hits Levi like a fucking truck, and the last thing Levi remembers before blacking out is the look of concern on Erwin’s face, and his own muttered words -

_ “Erwin, I -” _

_ I’m sorry I couldn’t kill the beast titan. _

_ I’m sorry I left you to die. _

_ I’m sorry that I wasn’t the man you thought I was.  _

_ I’m sorry I never told you that - _

The next thing Levi knows, he’s lying on the cold hard wood floor, and someone is sitting next to him, cradling his head and speaking softly to him.

_ “-evi… Levi, can you hear me? Are you alright?” _

When Levi’s vision finally focuses, he’s unsurprised to find Erwin hunched over him, a look of panic and worry etched into his face. If he hit his head, he doesn’t feel the pain quite yet, so Levi attempts to sit up, brushing Erwin’s hands away dismissively. “I’m fine, old man, just let me breathe, shit -”

The nickname is one from another life. From a distant memory, but everything is so  _ fresh, _ it’s still bleeding into reality. If this  _ is _ reality, Levi isn’t quite sure, but…

But then, Erwin is flashing him a smile and retorting, “Old man, huh? Not  _ Commander _ or -”

_ “Shit,” _ Levi hisses, his wide eyes meeting Erwin’s, “Are you fucking kidding me, you  _ asshole -” _

It’s Erwin who cracks and starts laughing first, and  _ fuck, _ if it’s not the most beautiful thing Levi’s ever heard. Sure, he heard Erwin laugh plenty of times in their past life - it was always a surprised laugh, when Levi would crack a crude joke or make a snide comment at the expense of someone else - and Levi has lost track of how many times he’s made Erwin laugh this time around, but  _ this… _ this is different. Erwin’s laugh now sounds like music to Levi’s ears, it sounds like something he’s been waiting his entire life to hear, and it’s just so fucking  _ happy. _ It isn’t long before Levi’s laughing too - quietly, relieved - and then, before he knows it, Erwin’s pulling him close into a warm embrace.

He’s not sure how long they remain like that, sitting in each other’s arms on the floor, but finally, after what feels like forever and not long enough at the same time, Erwin pulls away, just enough to hold Levi at arm’s length. “I assume you remember, then,” he says, voice soft. 

“What gave you that idea, asshole?” Levi snaps back, but there’s a light, playful tone to his voice. It feels as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders, as if suddenly, everything sort of just  _ makes sense.  _

And of course, Erwin simply laughs in return.

Needless to say, they skip class that day, opting to order takeout while they attempt to wrap their heads around  _ what _ exactly this all means. It’s one thing to  _ remember, _ but another entirely to try to make sense of it all. Does this mean this is the afterlife? Are they dead? Have they been reincarnated? 

Most importantly,  _ how long has Erwin known? _

That’s the first question Levi asks once he gets his wits about him. Ten minutes later, they’re sitting at the kitchen table, Levi with a hot cup of tea in front of him and Erwin nursing what looks like his third cup of coffee if the nearly empty pot has anything to say about it. 

“Since this morning,” Erwin answers. “I’ve been up since four or five. I thought they were nightmares, but they just seemed too real, and then everything started coming back and… _Yeah_.”

Levi swallows. Judging by the time, Erwin’s had about four or five hours to process this. Levi, on the other hand, is still reeling from it. “I think I knew the moment I woke up,” he mutters, “But it didn’t really  _ hit me _ till I realized that you were real. What the fuck.”

Erwin shakes his head, “So both of us just…”

“Yeah,” Levi confirms. “I don’t - What do you think triggered it?”

“I… I have no idea,” Erwin admits. Levi is so used to Erwin having the answer to everything, both in this life and their past one, but this time, he’s as clueless as Levi. “You know, I think bits and pieces were always there, but never the full picture.”

Levi raises his eyebrows, “Yeah? Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know, I just…” Erwin shrugs, “This is going to sound stupid, but I think there was part of me that always knew we were meant to meet, to be friends.”

“Like fate?” Levi asks.

“Yeah…” Erwin replies, tone careful, and finally, the mood breaks. Levi can’t help the smug smile that spreads across his face, nor can he help the laugh that escapes his lips. 

“Yeah, it does sound stupid,” he teases, earning a laugh from Erwin as well.

What he doesn’t say is that he’s always felt the same way. The words get caught in Levi’s throat and never fully make their way out. 

Instead of going to class that day, Levi and Erwin spend the entirety of their morning, afternoon and even the majority of the evening sitting in the kitchen, eventually migrating to the living room, just  _ talking.  _ Sometimes, the conversation takes on a comfortable, teasing tone -

“Do you remember playing army games in your backyard as kids?” Levi asks at one point.

Erwin’s eyes go wide. “You don’t think…”

Levi snorts out a laugh, “Now  _ that’s _ fucking morbid.”

\- but they also spend a significant amount of time trying to wrap their heads around the situation. It’s odd, and Levi voices this to Erwin, remembering events from their past live as clear as day, alongside memories from just the other day, or even childhood memories from this time around. It doesn’t feel real, but at the same time, it’s absolutely sobering. Memories of war - of titans and dead bodies and the walls and the  _ horror _ of their past life - shouldn’t sit easily alongside memories of going to prom and getting in fights in high school and coming out to your best friend, but somehow, they do. It doesn’t feel right, yet it makes perfect sense. 

They spend the majority of their day researching reincarnation as if they’re writing a paper on it and it’s due tomorrow. Levi sits next to Erwin on the sofa - his laptop sitting on his thighs while Erwin is hunched over his own computer on the table - and every time he finds an interesting article, he nudges Erwin to show him, or vice versa. Erwin also spends quite a bit of time attempting to research things, places, people or events from their past life, but to no avail. There’s no record of the walls or titans or  _ anyone _ that they knew back then. They even make a quick run to the library and turn up empty handed. 

“Do you think this is some sort of alternate universe?” Levi asks later as they’re sitting on the sofa once more. This time, he’s nursing a vodka soda - something to still his nerves and calm him down a little bit. The burn feels nice going down, but the question still feels stupid when he asks it, even if it’s the only thing that seems to make sense. When Erwin just looks at him in response, Levi clears his throat and continues, “I mean… If we can’t find any sort of proof that those events happened, then -”

“Or this is the afterlife,” Erwin supplies. That theory has been floating around in Levi’s head since he woke up this morning, but he didn’t want to entertain it.

“I don’t feel dead,” Levi mutters in response, “But who fucking knows. My head hurts.

“Yeah,” Erwin agrees, “Mine too.”

Levi has never been one to fill the silence with awkward small talk, questions or unnecessary words - both in this life, and the last - but right now, he needs Erwin to keep talking. He needs something to tether him down before his thoughts run away. So when it grows quiet, Levi is the one to uncharacteristically break the silence. 

“So…” he muses, staring down at the melting ice in his glass, swirling the clear liquid around a bit, “You said that you think this is why we were drawn to each other as kids.”

It isn’t necessarily a question, but when Levi catches Erwin looking at him out of the corner of his eye, he knows that he gets it. “Maybe,” he replies with a shrug, “I don’t know… I’d like to think we’d be friends regardless, Levi.”

Levi offers him a small smile in response, but before he can say anything else, Erwin’s demeanor quickly changes. His eyes widen and he’s quick to turn his body so that it’s fully facing Levi on the sofa. 

“Our parents,” Erwin nearly gasps, “Do you think they -”

And  _ shit,  _ how could Levi forget?

_ His mom. Kenny. _ They couldn’t possibly…  _ could they? Do they know? _

Wordlessly, Levi finds himself trying to recall any hints, and suggestions that his mother or uncle might remember, but it’s hard. It’s hard, sifting through memories from this life and foggier, older memories of his past one. It’s odd, those older memories seem a bit duller the further back he goes. But as he digs through the recesses of his mind, he can recall the damp underground, the slums that his mother raised him in, those small rooms and narrow alleys, dark days and even darker nights, soaring through the air on stolen gear and the way that Isabel would shriek with delight and -

_ Shit. _

_ Shit, shit, shit. _

Furlan and Isabel.

Wide eyed, Levi turns to look at Erwin, and judging by the look on his face, the same realization must have just dawned on him.

Levi opens his mouth to speak, but he can’t say their names. All he can see are puddles of rain water mixing with dark blood, wide innocent eyes and the lifeless forms of his best friends. 

Erwin knows, though. He always does. 

“Furlan and Isabel,” Levi hears him say softly, bringing him back down to earth.

So he hadn’t imagined it. He’s not going crazy. 

“You don’t think -” Levi gasps out.

“I don’t know,” Erwin responds, and it’s unsettling, hearing someone like him so  _ unsure, _ but at least they’re in this together. 

(Levi doesn’t have the guts that night to call up Furlan and Isabel and flat-out ask them if the remember their past life - if they remember dying violently at the hands of titans - but weeks later, when he finally musters up the courage to ask them in a roundabout way if they believe in reincarnation, they just smile and say -

“Took you long enough.”)

That first night, though, Levi falls asleep slightly buzzed and more confused than ever. He doesn’t remember passing out on the couch, but when he wakes the next morning, it’s with a light blanket draped over him, a pillow under his head and a full glass of water sitting on the table in front of him. When he wakes the next morning, it’s with fresh images in his mind from what he can’t decipher between a dream or a memory - of  _ Erwin.  _ Of slowly becoming his right hand, of their closeness, bond and trust for one another.

Of the love and adoration that Levi has  _ always  _ harbored for him.

Needless to say, they skip class the next day, too. And by the time Erwin finally emerges from his bedroom uncharacteristically late that morning, he seems to have it all figured out. 

“Levi, do you remember how old you were when we met?” he asks over a cup of coffee as Levi takes a seat at the kitchen table with his tea. Levi knows immediately that he isn’t talking about this lifetime, when they met as children. 

“I don’t know?” Levi shrugs, “Twenty? Twenty-one?”

“And we met around this time of the year, right?” Erwin presses.

Levi can’t help but wonder what he’s getting at. “I think so…”

A proud smile flashes across Erwin’s face. The type of smile that would find its place on his lips whenever he’d figure out some insane new formation for an expedition or a new way to milk some money out of the government…

Some things never change.

“Levi, what if we remember  _ now _ because this is when we met in our past life?”

And… _ shit.  _ Actually, that’s not a bad theory, now that Levi thinks about it. The first memories that came flooding back were the ones from his first encounter with Erwin, and everything else followed. If  _ past lives _ or reincarnation  _ are  _ real, then it’s almost as if their two lives intersected for just a split second, long enough for everything to come flooding back.

Levi answers Erwin’s question with a question of his own. “How far out can you remember?”

Erwin regards him for a moment, his eyebrows drawn in thought - like they have  _ always  _ done, Levi thinks - before he answers. “Everything. It was a little fuzzy yesterday at times, but it feels like the more time that goes by, the clearer it gets. Do you feel the same way?”

Levi’s mind goes back to the way that he’d remembered Furlan and Isabel halfway through the day, how he hadn’t even considered his mother or Kenny, how he fell asleep wondering what happened to the brats and the rest of his squad…

He simply nods in response. Yeah. Things are still coming back in bits and pieces. It’s unnerving to say the least. 

To his surprise, Erwin keeps talking, though. 

“I remember how hard you were on the kids,” he says, his voice sounding far away, as if he’s somewhere else, and Levi knows that he probably is. “Your penchant for cleanliness…”

Levi scoffs, rolling his eyes in response, but Erwin continues, voice earnest.

“Your shitty jokes…”

“Those haven’t changed,” Levi supplies, which earns a small smile from Erwin. 

“Your determination and honesty…” Erwin continues, “How deadly you were with a blade…”

_ “Erwin.”  _

It’s odd, hearing someone, especially Erwin, talk about him like this. It’s like seeing himself through someone else’s eyes. It’s unnerving and uncomfortable, but it’s as if Erwin doesn’t hear him, and the words keep spilling out. 

“I remember how fiercely loyal and driven you were, too. Up until the very end,” Erwin says, glancing up, eyes meeting Levi’s as he speaks. “I never had the chance to properly thank you, Levi -”

_ “Shut up,” _ Levi bites at last, cutting him off. “Don’t go getting all sentimental on me, old man.”

Erwin’s face lights up when Levi uses the old nickname again, a phrase that leaves Levi’s lips before he can even think about it, second nature. 

“I mean it,” Erwin insists, voice taking on a softer tone. He leans forward on the table. “You meant a lot to me back then, Levi, and I know I didn’t voice it enough.”

Levi scoffs again, averting his eyes from Erwin’s searching gaze. “Yeah, well…”

And he  _ doesn’t _ tell Erwin that he felt the same way back then, just as he does now. That Erwin meant the world to him, too. That he would have given anything back then for something like this. To be able to live a normal life with him. 

But he’s sure in some way, it goes without saying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi, you dense, lovestruck idiot. Of course he feels the same way.
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this chapter. Don't worry, there's a lot more reminiscing between these two coming up soon.


	3. an assembly of broken things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Heaven is a place like this_   
>  _An assembly of broken things_   
>  _Never heard an angel sing_   
>  _Where living doesn't feel like falling_
> 
> Yooooo! I'm really stoked about this chapter mainly because there's a lot of dialogue that I'm really proud of. 
> 
> I'm thinking this is gonna end up being 6 chapters long, so we're at the halfway point now!

The nightmares are the hardest part. 

During the waking hours, the memories are hazy, still very much there, but similar to trying to recall specific events that happened when you were just a child. They’re something that, until very recently, were buried under trauma and pain and anguish and years of creating new, better memories in  _ this  _ life.

But asleep, they feel… well honestly, they feel pretty fucking real. 

Not all of the dreams are terrible, to be honest. Although that life was filled with pain and grief and strife, there were many good things that came from it, as well. If it weren’t for Erwin and the Survey Corps, Levi never would have met Hanji and Moblit. He would have never become close with Mike, or have a crew of his own, made up of some of the brightest, strongest and kindest soldiers he ever knew. Sure, he knew what it was like to struggle. He knew that  _ intimately, _ but that life also taught him how to forgive. How to love.

No, the dreams aren’t bad - if anything, Levi usually wakes with a longing feeling in his chest, wishing that he had just a few more minutes to relive the good times, to spend with the people he loved.

But the nightmares… they’re worse than anything Levi has ever experienced. 

The first time, he dreams of Furlan and Isabel. About a dark, rain-warped battlefield and the cries of his best friends as they were struck down. He dreams of puddles of blood soaking the ground, matted red hair splayed out in the mud and the lifeless eyes of his friends looking back at him.

He wakes screaming. 

Erwin is there within seconds, opening his bedroom door without warning, eyes wide in the dark, searching for Levi’s form, making sure it’s okay.

And although that doesn't make the nightmares less horrifying, it's comforting to know that he’s not alone in this. That there’s someone else who gets it. Who understands. 

Levi finds out, about a week later, that Erwin has nightmares, too. 

Levi wakes in the middle of the night - it’s 3am on a Tuesday, but he can’t sleep, images of dead cadets keep flashing in his head - and eventually decides that it’s not worth going back to bed for now. Maybe he can have a cup of tea, sit on the sofa and watch mindless late-night TV until he eventually passes out. He opens his bedroom door, but as he pads softly down the hall, he notices something that makes him stop dead in his tracks. 

There’s warm light seeping out from underneath Erwin’s bedroom door. 

_ Is he awake, too? _

After a moment of deliberation, Levi takes a few steps forward and knocks softly on his roommate’s (best friend, commander,  _ crush _ ) door, waiting for an answer. It only takes a moment before there’s a response, a soft,  _ “Come in” _ on the other side, and when Levi finally opens the door, it’s to find Erwin sitting up in bed, a book in his hands, looking… well, fucking  _ exhausted _

But still, Erwin offers him a warm smile, and asks gently, “Couldn’t sleep either?”

Levi shakes his head. “Nightmares.”

Erwin hums in response. “Same here. Do you want to join me?”

And that’s how Levi finds himself sitting in Erwin’s bed, leaning against the headboard talking quietly about anything and everything at 3am. And as they talk, Levi thinks that he’s never been more grateful to have Erwin in his life than he is now. He can’t imagine how hard this would be if he had to go it alone, if he didn’t have someone who understood what he was going through because they were going through it themselves. It’s funny, in a sense, because in their past life, they bonded over their shared trauma, and now, they’re doing it all over again. Funny how history repeats itself. 

“If you had the choice, would you choose not to remember anything?” Levi asks, late into their conversation. He hasn’t looked at the clock since he stepped into Erwin’s room, so he’s not entirely sure how late it is, but judging by the way the sky is slowly but surely getting lighter, early birds chirping in the trees outside the window, he knows that sunrise is coming soon. It’s a heavy question, too, one that has been weighing on him ever since everything came back. On one hand, everything seemed so much  _ easier _ then, back when they were just two college kids, trying to live their lives, but at the same time, it has only strengthened their bond, if anything. Sure, the nightmares are hard. Living with those regrets from a past life is difficult, and that’s putting it lightly, but Levi is thankful that he has Erwin along for the ride.

He’s not sure how he’d answer his own question, but he’s eager to hear Erwin’s thoughts. 

“It’s tempting…” Erwin muses, looking up as he speaks, as if searching for the answer. “Because there is a lot that I would rather not remember.”

Then, he turns to look at Levi, his eyes heavy, gaze serious. It’s a look that Levi has seen countless times before. “But no,” he finally answers, “I’d rather know.”

Levi swallows, nods and averts his gaze. “Why is that?”

Erwin hums thoughtfully in response, but it doesn’t take him long to answer. “That life… It wasn’t easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. We were helping people. We were doing something good for humanity.”

It’s breathtaking, hearing Erwin -  _ this _ Erwin, twenty-one year-old college student Erwin - speak like that, even now. Some things never change.

“Yeah, but you didn’t even live to see it succeed.” The words tumble out of Levi’s mouth before he can stop them. 

Some things never change. 

Erwin offers him a small smile in response. “No, but that doesn’t matter. It was never about me.”

Levi huffs out a small laugh in return. “Selfless bastard.”

The jab earns a warmer, wider smile from Erwin, and for a moment, that’s it. It’s quiet in the room, comfortable and easy, until Erwin breaks the silence again with a question that makes Levi’s heart sink.

“Did you?”

Levi knows what the question means. 

_ Did you live to see it succeed? _

It’s something that they haven’t really discussed since all of this began happening, and Levi hadn’t anticipated talking about it tonight, but here they are. 

He sniffs, averting his gaze before offering a short but simple, “No.”

Erwin’s response is immediate. A soft, “Levi… I’m sorry -”

“Don’t apologize,” Levi interrupts, turning to face him again, “It’s not your fault.”

Erwin takes a deep breath and exhales it on a sigh. “Yeah, but had I never dragged you into that life…”

“Had you never  _ dragged me into that life,” _ Levi cuts him off again, this time with a passionate, frustrated tone to his voice, “I would have rotted in the Underground, just like every other street rat, living some shitty, miserable, meaningless existence before I died some sad, pathetic death. You gave me something to fight for, Erwin. You gave me a second chance.”

“But -”

“But nothing,” Levi bites. Now, he can’t take his eyes off of Erwin, he holds his gaze, hoping that his words get through his thick skull. “Cut the miserable, self-deprecating bullshit. It wasn’t a good look on you then, and it isn’t now. You never  _ made _ me do anything. I stayed with you because I wanted to. Because I believed in the shit that you were saying. Don’t make me regret it now.”

And finally, at that, Erwin is silent. He takes a few moments to fully digest Levi’s words, his eyes unfocused on the ground in front of them. Levi has given Erwin a variation of this exact speech in the past - after a shitty mission, before his ultimate demise - but he hopes that they truly hit home now, a lifetime later. He can’t stand to see Erwin feeling sorry for himself anymore, beating himself up over things he can’t change. 

When Erwin speaks again, his voice is soft, far away. “So… would you rather remember, or forget, then?”

And suddenly, the answer is crystal clear to Levi. It always has been. 

“Stupid question,” he retorts, “I’d rather remember.”

Erwin glances up at him, his eyes heavy and full of emotion, and before he can talk himself out of it, Levi adds, “You made it worth remembering.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Levi wants to take them back. They’re too much. Too intimate. He’s never one to share that much of himself, especially around Erwin, but before he can retreat into his shell and pretend like it never happened, Erwin is reaching out, his hand finding Levi’s and threading their fingers together. 

They don’t say anything else for the rest of the night.

* * *

Those conversations - reflecting and reminiscing on a past life and promising to do better this time around - happen more frequently than not. With each other as a support system, it’s thankfully manageable to go on with normal life while balancing the fact that they’re connected by a past life, that maybe, some of their friends are out there. That maybe, they remember too. 

One night in particular, some of Erwin’s classmates invite them out to the bar, and while it’s not a bad night - they choose some place off the beaten path, a little more quiet and laid back than most college bars - Erwin and Levi find themselves sneaking away from the group, seated in some small booth off in the corner. Erwin nurses some craft beer that makes Levi’s lip curl while Levi sips on a simple cocktail. Their conversation while standing by the bar had veered toward their past life, and Erwin had been the one to suggest breaking away from the rest of the group while they talk.

Now, Levi’s leaning on the table, watching Erwin with a playful look in his eyes as he asks, “What would you have done, if you made it to the end? Settle down, a wife and some kids?”

Erwin sighs, a hand coming to rub at his chin. “I don’t know,” he muses, “I sacrificed something like that  _ long  _ before the end.”

Levi scoffs in return. “Yeah, and you did it with Marie again this time around.”

“My career was important to me, then and now,” Erwin counters, unafraid to admit that he didn’t make a mistake, leaving Marie behind, even now when he had a second chance with her. “I guess history has a funny way of repeating itself.”

Levi snorts. “Hopefully not. I don’t want you losing your fucking arm again.”

“What about you?” Erwin asks without missing a beat, a smile pulling at his lips.

“My arm?” Levi teases, “Nah, I wasn’t as careless as you. Didn’t lose any body parts.”

Erwin rolls his eyes, but his smile gives him away. “No, I mean, would you settle down?”

“Me? A wife and kids?” Levi laughs in response. “Nah, I was gay as fuck back then too.”

Erwin snorts out a surprised laugh at Levi’s words. “Alright, a husband, then.”

And  _ that _ makes Levi stop to think before he speaks. Sure, he envisioned it a few times... Retiring away in the countryside or the mountains once everything was over, living a quiet life, away from everyone else. Maybe with someone special to him. But it was all just a pipe dream, something he only thought of when Erwin was still alive. When he still had some hope for the future and someone he wouldn’t mind spending it with.

He shakes himself out of his thoughts and schools his features before answering Erwin with another question. “Do you really think I was the sentimental type?”

“Yes,” Erwin answers without hesitation, “You just wouldn’t admit it.”

Levi huffs out a sharp breath through his nose. Well, Erwin caught him. Go figure. 

“Fine. Yeah, maybe,” he says at last, “If it were the right person.”

_ If it were you.  _

“You know, this is kind of like a second chance…” Erwin muses, his voice soft, far away. “We have the opportunity for that now. To settle down. To be happy.”

Levi feels his throat tighten at Erwin’s words. He wants to tell him, right here, right now - 

_ I want that with you. _

\- but he can’t. He won’t. Things are  _ so good _ right now, and he can’t risk fucking it up, all for his own gain. So he bites his tongue and instead, just mutters a soft, “Yeah, I guess we do.”

* * *

Erwin’s  _ second chance _ comment sticks with Levi long after that night in the bar. In the days and weeks that follow, his thoughts linger on it and he can’t help but wonder if he’s doing right by this second chance, second life,  _ whatever  _ the hell it is.

Because really, it’s all he ever wanted before.

After Erwin died, Levi wanted nothing more than a second chance - a chance to turn back time and change the outcome of everything. A chance to go back and cherish every moment that he had with Erwin. A chance to finally come clean and admit his feelings and hope that Erwin felt the same. A chance to start over, to run away and start a new life, their mission and titans and humanity be damned. 

Now, Levi has that chance, and he has no idea what to do with it. If he’s being honest, he has been in love with Erwin for over a lifetime. He was in love with him back then, and he is now. But Erwin is -  _ he always has been _ \- his best friend. A partner. His Commander. The last thing that Levi wants to do is taint that by trying to pursue something that will only end badly. Surely, if Erwin felt the same way, he would have said something by now, right? He’s always been more honest, more open than Levi. Levi has always been the guarded one, even with Erwin. 

He thinks of their kiss on New Year’s, almost a year ago now, and how it had lit some hope inside of him that  _ maybe _ , something might happen, but it never did. Maybe it isn’t meant to be

So in the end, Levi talks himself out of it. For someone who has never been afraid to voice how they feel or their opinion on something, this is something he has always held down, and he’ll continue doing so as long as he sees fit. 

A few months after they remember, the drive home for winter break again, only this time, things are  _ much _ different. Everything has changed since the last time they were home over the summer. This will be the first time that both of them will see their families since remembering, and although they’ve discussed it endlessly among themselves, neither of them have brought it up to their parents, worried that they might not remember. And deep down, scared that they  _ will. _

At the very least, it’s a conversation best had in person, not over the phone, but still, Levi is certain that he won’t bring it up to his mother. If anything, it’ll just bring pain and guilt. It’s an old wound that they don’t need to reopen. 

However, Levi can’t help but wonder, as they drive home for the holidays, if their families  _ do  _ remember. If Furlan and Isabel  _ exist _ , let alone remember, then who’s to say that everyone else doesn’t, too? 

Levi kicks his feet up on the dashboard - something that he  _ knows _ Erwin hates, but won’t say, so he does it anyway - and leans back, closing his eyes before forming the question. 

“Do you think you’ll ask your dad?”

He knows that it’s a heavy subject. It always has been. Even now, even though he didn’t lose him as a young child, the subject of Erwin’s father is still a tough one. Those scars are still there, hidden beneath the surface, and Levi knows to tread lightly, but he also knows that Erwin isn’t weak by any means. No subject is off limits for them. 

Erwin sighs in response, but it almost gets lost in the wind whipping through the cracked window. “I don’t know…” he answers, “I would like to find a way to slip it into conversation, just to see if he remembers, but we’ll see.”

“Yeah?” Levi snorts in response, turning to look at Erwin. “Whatcha gonna say?  _ Hey dad, do you know anything about cannibalistic fucking giants or reincarnation? By the way, the turkey is great!” _

Thankfully, the teasing earns a laugh from Erwin in response. “Yeah, I know. It’s going to be a hard topic to breach.”

“No shit,” Levi mutters in response. 

Erwin glances at Levi for a brief moment, just long enough to catch his gaze. “Do you -”

“I don’t know,” Levi answers before Erwin can even finish asking the question. “I’d almost rather she doesn’t remember, ya’ know?”

Erwin simply nods in response. Levi doesn’t have to explain, either. Just like Levi knows all about Erwin’s relationship with his father in their past life, Erwin knows all about Kuchel. 

And, not for the first time, Levi is grateful that he has Erwin in all of this, even if it’s just as a friend. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he had to go it alone. 

What he doesn’t anticipate, however, is the sight that Levi returns home to when they pull up in front of Erwin’s place early that evening. Sitting in front of his house is a small red pickup truck, rusty around the wheel wells, paint chipping all across the body. It has seen better days, and Levi knows that because he  _ knows _ the truck.  _ Kenny’s _ truck. 

The last time Levi saw his uncle was when he lived with them for a brief period of time when Levi was in middle school. He hasn’t thought of him much since them - he mainly just remembered him as a crass, abrasive man who was trying to get back up on his feet - but this…

Well,  _ this _ changes things. 

Even Erwin’s eyes go wide at the sight of the vehicle. 

“Is that -”

_ “Yeah,” _ Levi mutters, “Haven’t seen him in years. I wonder what he’s doing here.”

“I didn’t even know that he and your mom were talking again,” Erwin comments. He’s pulling the keys from the ignition and moving to get out of the car, but Levi hasn’t moved since they parked. He can’t move. 

“Me neither,” Levi hears himself say, but his voice sounds far away. Truth be told, he can’t even remember why Kenny and his mother stopped talking. Was it money? Kenny’s drinking? Who knows. What he  _ does _ remember, though, is the last time he saw Kenny, not in this lifetime, but  _ before.  _ Kenny, bleeding out. 

Levi swallows, steeling himself. He’s been through worse. He just needs to keep telling himself that.

But Erwin can sense it. Of course he can. The hand on his shoulder snaps Levi out of it, followed by Erwin’s concerned voice. “You good?”

Levi nods, tearing his eyes from the vehicle in front of his house. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

Erwin looks at him for just a second too long, as if he doesn’t believe him, but eventually, he seems to accept Levi’s answer. “Alright, well let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Thanks,” Levi mutters. Then, he finally moves to gather his things and head home. 

The walk next door feels like it takes a lifetime, and the whole way there, Levi tells himself that it’s not a big deal, that Kenny probably doesn’t even remember anyway, that he’s overthinking all of this, but -

But the second he lays eyes on Kenny, something shifts in the air. 

He’s sitting in the kitchen with Levi’s mother, a bottle of wine between them, deep in conversation as if they didn’t hear the front door open and close, and Kenny’s face practically lights up when he sees Levi.

He stands from the table, a wide smile spreading across his face, and stretches his arms out, as if he’s anticipating a hug, some heartfelt reunion.

“Hey kiddo! Long time no see!” he exclaims, in the most  _ Kenny _ greeting ever, “I’d say you’ve gotten bigger, but -”

“Can it, fucker,” Levi hisses before he can stop himself.

_ “Levi,”  _ Kuchel protests, her tone surprised and embarrassed, but the grin on Kenny’s face just grows. 

“You haven’t changed one bit, Levi,” he remarks, and it’s  _ then _ that Levi just…  _ knows.  _

Levi doesn’t say anything, though. Not at first, at least. Dinner goes by without a hitch, aside from a few snappy remarks from Kenny and quick comebacks from Levi and Kutchel unsure whether she should be amused or alarmed at the way her son and her brother seem to be speaking to one another.

“I was worried that you’d be upset,” Kuchel admits as Levi helps her with the dishes after dinner, “Seeing him here after so long…”

But Levi just shrugs and says, “He’s family. He’s an asshole, but he’s family.”

And under the soapy water, Kuchel grabs Levi’s hand and offers him a warm smile. “Thank you, Levi.”

After the dishes are done, however, Levi finally goes searching for Kenny. When he doesn’t find him in the guest bedroom, he retreats to the back porch, where he’s certain that Kenny is having a smoke, and sure enough, as soon as he pushes the screen door open, it’s to the sight of his uncle illuminated by the dim porch light, smoke rising in the air. Kenny glances in his direction, and whatever speech Levi planned dies in his throat. 

Instead, all he can do is nod at Kenny and mutter, “Can I bum a smoke?”

Kenny simply raises an eyebrow in response. “Since when do you smoke?”

He doesn’t, really. Sure, he’s bummed a few cigarettes from strangers at parties here and there when he’s wasted and he’ll definitely smoke weed if it’s offered, but he wouldn’t call himself a regular smoker. 

Levi just shrugs, and apparently, that’s all the response that Kenny needs before he’s pulling out his pack and handing one over

“Lighter?”

Kenny huffs in faux annoyance before handing a lighter over as well. “You’re still a pain in the ass, kid,” he mutters, voice gruff, and that’s all Levi needs to hear. 

He takes a moment to gather himself, lighting the cigarette and taking a drag. It’s a nasty habit, really, and Levi fucking  _ hates _ the smell, but the nicotine actually calms his nerves a bit before he takes his chance and asks, “How long have you known?”

The grin that finds its way onto Kenny’s face is one that Levi knows almost too well. It’s mischievous, menacing. Like he’s up to no good. He usually is.

“I knew there was something different about you today -”

“You mean other than the fact that I’ve aged ten years since the last time you were here?” Levi bites out, his voice full of pent-up anger and venom, both from this life and his past one. 

The remark doesn’t phase Kenny, though, who simply asks, “So you remember now?”

Levi simply nods in response. Another drag of the cigarette. Depending on how this conversation goes, he might have to take up smoking during this trip. Fucking Kenny. He can’t quite look at him, not now. Instead, Levi fixes his gaze on the backyard, or what he can see of it. It’s dark out - the moon and stars obscured by clouds. Levi’s sure that it’ll start snowing soon.

“I’ve known since your momma and I were kids,” Kenny breaks the silence, finally answering Levi’s initial question.

At that, Levi can’t help but glance up at his uncle, watching as he takes a drag of his cigarette, seemingly unaffected by the admission. 

Levi, however, can’t quite mask his surprise. Kenny has a habit of catching him off guard. “Really?”

Kenny hums, nodding in response. “Yup. Wild, right?”

Levi doesn’t have to voice his agreement. Yeah, it  _ is _ wild.

“Felt like I was going crazy for a while there, especially when no one else around me seemed to remember,” Kenny continues, unprompted. “And when I couldn’t find anything about it  _ anywhere.” _

Kenny glances at Levi. “You’ve tried looking, too, haven’t you?”

Levi nods, “Yeah.” His voice feels thick in his throat. 

“You won’t find anything, trust me,” Kenny mutters. 

Levi takes a deep breath, trying to wrap his head around this.  _ Kenny knows. Kenny remembers.  _

Then something hits him.

“So my mom -”

“No,” Kenny answers quickly, his voice firm. Final.

Relief washes over Levi. Although deep down, part of him wishes that his mother remembered, even if for selfish reasons - just so he could tell her that he got out, that he made something of his life - he’s glad she doesn’t.

Another question bubbles up in Levi’s throat before he can stop it. “Why haven’t you been around, then? If you knew -”

“You think this shit is  _ easy?” _ Kenny snaps, quick. Venomous. Just how Levi remembers. Then, just as fast, his tone changes to something a little more far away, softer. “Being the only one… Not knowing if I was crazy or what. Not to mention, we’re siblings, kid. We fight, memories be damned. I’m here now, aren’t I?”

_ Oh. _ That was a lot more than Levi expected. Suddenly, memories flash to the forefront of his mind. Memories of the last time he saw Kenny,  _ before. _ Their final conversation. 

Kenny’s words ring true, because despite their past, Levi still sought him out, still needed to know. 

Levi has never been one to apologize for things that he had no control over, things he didn’t regret, but...

He swallows, throat tight. “I -”

“I know what you’re gonna say, and  _ don’t,” _ Kenny cuts him off before he can get the words out

“But -”

“That was a different life,” Kenny insists, seemingly reading Levi’s mind, “We did what we had to in order to survive. I get it, kid.”

Levi takes a deep breath. On the exhale, he admits, “It’s good to see you, Kenny.”

Kenny smiles, and this time it’s something a little softer, slightly foreign on his face. “You too, Levi.”

Another beat, then, “So…  _ Smith. _ He knows too?”

Of course, Kenny  _ knew _ that Erwin lived next door, they met when he and Erwin were just kids, playing in this very backyard. Kutchel had probably mentioned that they were going to the same school while they were catching up. 

“Yeah,” Levi takes a drag of his cigarette, trying to decide how much information he wants to divulge. “We both remembered around the same time, not too long ago.”

Kenny snorts in response.  _ “How romantic.” _

Levi’s eyes go wide at Kenny’s comment, caught off guard. He’s quick to try to recover, but ends up sputtering, “I don’t - we’re not -”

_ Wow, how embarrassing.  _

“Cut the shit, kid,” Kenny interrupts before Levi can come up with a valid response, “I’m not an idiot. I’ve seen the way you look at him.”

“Kenny -”

Levi’s not sure what he’s supposed to mean by that because they haven’t really seen one another in about ten years. Is he referring to their past life? Was it all really that obvious?

Kenny raises a hand dismissively. “I know, it’s none of my business who you’re fucking. Whatever. You two made quite the pair back then, though, too.”

Levi opens his mouth to speak, but Kenny cuts him off again. This time, his voice takes on a softer quality. “You turned out better than I could have ever hoped… You know that, right?” he asks, turning to look at Levi, a smile pulling at his lips. “I’m glad you got out… ended up with that crew. Even if you made my life hell.” 

What a… _ Kenny _ compliment. 

Levi can’t help the small smile that pulls at his lips in response before he mutters out a soft, “Thanks, Kenny.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really glad I got to include Kenny in this one, idk why but I was kind of longing for a reunion between him and Levi.
> 
> I'm also really stoked about the next chapter! It's a short one but a good one. Should be up soon. Thanks for reading, y'all.


	4. knowing you won't have to sleep alone again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Heaven is a place like this_   
>  _Four walls to hide within_   
>  _A cold, cold world's medicine_   
>  _Knowing you won't have to sleep alone again_
> 
> Alright, this one's short but sweet! And it has a friendly face!  
> I don't want to give too much away, so enjoy!

Life goes back to normal after Levi and Erwin return from winter break. Or well, as normal as life can get when you and your best friend remember your past life and your uncle remembers too, and so do two people you thought you’d never see before again and -

Okay. So it’s  _ their _ version of normal. It’s fucked up and weird and emotionally heavy, but it feels right for them. That's probably pretty dysfunctional, right?

That question bothers Levi frequently, but he never really has the time to dwell on it. With Erwin and fucking  _ Kenny _ and trying to figure out how he feels about everything, he never really has the time to figure out if it’s fucked up that he’s just  _ used _ to the chaos and confusion that comes with his life.

It’s times like this that he wishes that he had someone like Hange Zoe here to knock some sense into him. Sure, Furlan and Isabel are a light in the dark, but they don’t  _ fully _ understand. Although they were such a huge part of his life before, they really weren’t there for the majority of it.

And then there’s Erwin, who  _ was _ there,  but… well, that’s complicated. They’re closer than they ever have been now, but Levi still can’t help but feel like a lovestruck teenager around him at times. Levi can’t tell him  _ everything, _ and that eats him up inside on late nights when he’s alone with his thoughts. That, and he knows that Erwin would just say the same self-deprecating shit he’s always said. 

_ That was their life. Of course they’re accustomed to it. _

But  _ Hange. _

Levi never thought he’d say it, but he’d kill for their chaos right now. He’d kill for them to tell it like it is, for them to tell him to stop feeling so sorry for himself and make the most of this second chance that they have. To stop moping, stop wondering  _ what if, _ and take the plunge. 

_ Well, ask and you shall receive.  _

Less than a month into the spring semester, Hange falls right into Levi’s life. Literally.

It happens on a rather mundane Wednesday afternoon. Levi gets out of class early on Wednesdays and he and Erwin had planned on getting a bite to eat at some new sushi place downtown as soon before Erwin heads to work, so Levi isn’t really paying attention as he hurries across campus, too busy looking down at his phone, typing out a text to let Erwin know that he’s on his way. It’s stupid really, he could easily call him, he could stop walking and take a moment to type out the message like a normal person, but instead, Levi finds himself lost in his phone, which causes him to shoulder-check someone by accident as he’s walking home that afternooon. 

And when Levi glances up (to apologize  _ or _ tell the other person to watch where they’re going, he hasn’t really decided yet) everything slows down. Similar to the morning that he remembered, or the moment that he realized that Furlan and Isabel remembered too or even that moment on the back porch with Kenny, time slows down and for a moment. Levi wonders if he’s hallucinating, if maybe, this is part of his past leaking over into reality, because if not -

If not, then that means that none other than Hange Zoe is standing right in front of him, frozen on the spot, eyes wide, mouth agape.

A million thoughts run through Levi’s head -

_ Is it really them? _

_ No, it can’t be, I’d know if we were going to the same school.  _

_ Am I going crazy? _

_ It has to be them. _

_ I’m definitely going crazy.  _

\- before he has the chance to properly react or form a sentence or shake himself out of it, because then -

_ Then, _ Hange is fucking  _ screeching _ (like they did whenever they were granted funds for a new expedition, whenever they made a new discovery, whenever they were generally excited or happy or amused) and without even waiting to be sure that Levi remembers too, they’re lunging forward to pull him forward into a bone-crushing embrace. For a moment, Levi’s arms hang useless at his sides, his mind slowly catching up with what’s happening. It’s like trying to run through water, but eventually it really hits him that this  _ is _ Hange, that Hange clearly remembers, and that they’re  _ hugging. _

Right. They’re hugging.

Before they can pull away, Levi  _ finally _ reacts, his arms wrapping around Hange’s middle as tightly as they can, and unsurprisingly, that earns another squeal of delight from his former comrade -  _ hell, _ his former  _ Commander.  _

“You remember,” Hange gasps breathlessly as they embrace. They squeeze tighter, lifting a laughing Levi off the ground just barely. “Holy shit, you remember. Oh thank god, I was going to look like a crazy person and -”

“You mean you don’t already?” Levi mutters gruffly against Hange, and then  _ finally, _ they’re pulling away, holding Levi at arm’s length, a wild grin plastered across their face.

“You haven’t changed one bit, I see,” they tease, taking in the sight of Levi, seemingly feeling the same way he does - in awe that one of their best friends from a past life is standing right in front of them. At least, that’s what Levi would consider Hange. A best friend. They were more than just soldiers. 

“Speak for yourself,” Levi retorts, then Hange is laughing again, pulling him in for another hug, this one a bit shorter, yet somehow tighter. 

When they part, Levi speaks again, the first thought to cross his mind, “Please don’t tell me you’re a student, because if we’ve been going to the same school and didn’t know -”

_ “Oh, _ no, no,” Hange waves their hand dismissively, “A friend is a professor here, I was dropping something off.” 

It’s then that Levi remembers how they found one another. They’d literally ran into each other. Everything that Hange had been holding and fussing over lays scattered in the grass, just a few feet away. “Oh, shit,” Levi mutters, “If you need to -”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Hange interrupts again, “We’re going to get lunch. They can wait.”

Levi isn’t one to argue with Hange, so naturally he agrees. Besides, they have a lot of catching up to do. 

Not even fifteen minutes later, Levi finds himself seated across from Hange at some hole in the wall cafe near campus, catching up and reminiscing on old times. He wasn’t lying when he said that Hange hadn’t changed one bit, either - from the way that their voice speeds up when they start talking about something that excites them and the way their eyes light up at the discovery of new information to the way that they’ll be giving you their undivided attention one moment, only to launch into a completely unrelated topic the next. Hange is  _ exactly _ the same, but in some ways, they’re entirely different. Their hair is cropped a little shorter than Levi remembers, and their glasses are a bit more stylish - rounded tortoiseshell frames compared to their old bulky black ones - and it’s definitely odd seeing them in street clothes like a red flannel shirt and skinny black jeans, but it’s a nice change. It reminds Levi that they have it so much better now than they did before and it brings a bit of normalcy to this. A bit. 

“Have you found anyone else?” Levi asks only a few minutes into their conversation after they get the small talk - where are you from, where do you live, are you going to college, you know, the basics - out of the way. He’s actually a little scared to ask, because it would pain him if Hange made it this far alone, but -

But they’re quick to answer, a smile spreading across their face, “Yeah, Moblit. I remembered as soon as I saw him. We live together now.”

Levi feels relief wash over him at Hange’s answer. “So do you think -”

“I’ve been wondering if we’re all here, if we all remember, for  _ ages, _ ” Hange answers before Levi can even finish his question. It’s relieving to know that  _ this _ hasn’t changed - that they still make a good team. “Looking back, I probably should have asked before practically assaulting you, but when I saw you, I couldn’t believe it.”

Hange’s admission brings a smile to Levi’s face. “Normally I’d never admit it, but I’m glad you did,” he replies.

That earns another laugh from Hange - a sound that Levi has admittedly missed - and then, when it grows quiet again, they clear their throat and ask, “So… You find anyone, or…”

“Erwin,” Levi answers immediately, then quietly mutters,  _ “Oh shit, Erwin.” _ They were supposed to meet up after Levi got out of class. Wordlessly, Levi pulls his cell phone from his pocket, surprised that he has no missed calls or texts from his roommate and quickly fires one off to him, just so he doesn’t leave him hanging. 

_ Got caught up after class. We’ll do sushi another night. I have a surprise that’s going to blow your mind.  _

He sends the text and glances back up at Hange, who is practically grinning from ear to ear, leaning forward on the table. “Holy shit,  _ Levi!  _ That’s amazing!” they exclaim, uncaring that it earns a few glances from those sitting at the tables nearby. “When did you guys - how did you find one another?”

“We uh… We’ve actually known each other since we were kids,” Levi admits, and if Hange didn’t look excited before, they’re absolutely ecstatic now.

_ “Oh shit,  _ that long?” Levi can tell their mind is racing now and  _ this  _ is the Hange he knows. “So how long have you been able to remember? Did you know when you were children? God, I bet that would be difficult, I -”

“No, no,” Levi interrupts before they can go off on a tangent, “We didn’t remember until recently, actually. One morning, we both just woke up and remembered everything. It was… strange.”

“Wow, I bet,” Hange replies, “Especially after knowing one another for so long. Were you still in contact then, or -”

“Well, actually, we live together, so -”

“Oh!” Hange exclaims, then after a moment to think, they add slyly,  _ “Oh,  _ so you’re actually fucking this time then?”

And suddenly, Levi is eternally grateful that he hadn’t taken that moment to take a sip of water, or he likely would have spit it all over the table and is  _ always too forward _ friend. For a moment, he just stares at Hange, mouth agape, before it sets in a firm line. “No,” he mutters, “No, we’re not  _ fucking, _ Hange.  _ Jesus.” _

“Well why the hell not?!” Hange presses the matter, unphased by Levi’s reaction. “You both remember, don’t you?”

And it’s  _ then _ that a very specific memory, buried by so much pain and angst and trauma, resurfaces. Levi swallows hard, willing it to go away, but he can’t help but recall one night, right before the end, how he had opened up to Hange and told them  _ everything -  _ how much he missed Erwin, how he wished that he would have had the chance to tell him how he really felt. 

How he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, even if just as his right hand. Of course Hange remembers that. Why wouldn’t they? 

“We do, but -”

“Then what’s stopping you?”

“I -” Levi opens and closes his mouth, carefully planning his words before settling with, “I uh… haven’t brought it up.”

Hange opens their mouth to argue, but seems to realize that it’s a touchy subject.  _ “Oh.  _ Well… You should do something about that.”

Levi can’t help the laugh that escapes him at that. “Easier said than done.”

“What, does he have a girlfriend? Boyfriend?” Hange presses. 

Levi rolls his eyes. “No, it’s just -”

“Just what?” Hange interrupts, “Come on, Levi, you have to know that those feelings were there, right?”

Levi raises his eyebrows in response. No, he  _ didn’t  _ know that, and this is Hange’s first time mentioning it. He doesn’t push the subject, though, doesn't want to give himself away too much. “Well, unsurprisingly, it hasn’t come up in the whole three months since we’ve remembered and -”

“Oh  _ shit,” _ Hange mutters again, and if the patrons nearby have gotten annoyed with their profanity, they haven’t said anything quite yet. “That recent?”

Levi swallows, “Yeah.”

It’s quiet for a moment, then, for the first time since they sat down at the cafe, and Levi takes a deep breath, grateful that the line of questioning is over before Hange leans forward again, a smile creeping across their face again and asks, “Well, you gonna introduce us, or what?” 

Less than an hour later, that’s how Levi finds himself walking through his front door with Hange Zoe in tow, heart racing, ready to introduce them to Erwin. Nervous and anxious for Erwin’s response. But most of all, he’s excited. Excited because this is  _ really _ real. Hange is  _ real,  _ and they’re stepping into his small kitchen, touching just about everything they can get their hands on, motioning silently to all of the little things that make this temporary, rented house a home… Things like Levi’s candles littered throughout the kitchen and living room, like the framed photos of Erwin and his family sitting on the counter, or the faded, pastel photograph of a sun setting over a mountain scene that Levi bought at a thrift store two years ago because it made him feel nostalgic for something that he couldn’t quite place and it would fill the empty space on the wall, or Erwin’s university hoodie thrown over the back of a chair in the kitchen, a box of takeout food left out on the counter…

“Erwin!” Levi calls after a moment, wondering where his roommate might be and excited for him to see who he brought along. 

“Hey!” Erwin hollers from down the hall, his voice coming from his bedroom, Levi assumes, “I saw your text and ordered takeout before I go to work - I figured you wouldn’t mind leftovers.”

Hange shoots him a knowing grin and Levi simply rolls his eyes in response. “Thanks,” he calls back, then, “Uh, Erwin… Come here really quick.”

“Hold on, I’m getting ready,” Erwin responds, and Levi could  _ shake  _ him. If only he knew.

Levi sighs. “Erwin, you might want to take the night off.” His voice is a little harder, now, a little more stern. And  _ finally,  _ he seems to get Erwin’s attention. 

Finally, Erwin pokes his head out of his bedroom, and his vantage point down the hallway allows him to see not only Levi, but also -

_ “Hange.” _

Erwin’s voice is barely above a whisper, but Levi can hear him. He can see the way that Erwin seems to deflate at the sight of them, their former colleague, one of his best friends, and -

_ Shit. _ It hits Levi, as Erwin steps out of his bedroom, that other than his own family and  _ Levi’s _ friends and family (Erwin never was close with Farlan and Isabel, anyway) Hange is Erwin’s first friend from their past life that Erwin has found. Levi knows that he was  _ different.  _ It’s different, remembering alongside someone you’ve known your entire life, but finding Hange, this reunion…

Levi knows what’s going through Erwin’s head right now, because he felt it with Farlan and Isabel, he felt it with Kenny and hell, he even felt it when he first laid eyes on Hange earlier. 

And Hange, as tact as ever, just grins, offering a small wave of their hand and a soft,  _ “Commander.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HANGE!!!
> 
> I love writing them so much and couldn't help but include them in this. 
> 
> The next chapter is hands down my favorite. I'll probably have it up in the next couple of days. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	5. paradise is just inside my reach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Just for moment_   
>  _The briefest second_   
>  _Paradise is just inside my reach_   
>  _It's just for a moment_   
>  _For the sweetest second_   
>  _It's you and me_
> 
> This is hands down my favorite chapter of this little story. I really hope you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> A few things:
> 
> The place called "Linger" in this chapter is actually based off of a real restaurant in Denver by the same name. It felt unique enough to include it in here, and it's super badass. Go look it up. 
> 
> The "Extra Life" bar where a lot of this chapter takes place is also based off of a bar near my hometown. It's probably my least favorite bar in the world, and somehow every time I go out with friends, I get dragged there against my will. Descriptions of it are 100% accurate. So maybe parts of this chapter are autobiographical haha.
> 
> Also, I imagined the slower song mentioned in this chapter to be "[Existentialism On Prom Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Neo-I7U1UfI) but I kept it vague in case you have a favorite.

It’s strange. After they find Hange, everything changes, but not in the way they expect. Levi would almost prefer it this way, remembering in their early twenties, finding friends from a past life  _ now, _ who can understand what he’s going through, but also understand that it’s important to create new memories and a new life  _ here. _ He can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for Kenny, who remembered at such a young age, who struggled to come to terms with what was happening and still lead a normal life this time around... who watched his sister, then his nephew grow up, knowing that they didn’t remember.

Levi is grateful that things fell into place for him the way they did now. Sure, it’s not perfect - the nightmares and memories make him wonder if he has some form of PTSD at times, only it’s not something that he can talk to a therapist about - but it’s manageable. He’s grateful to live with someone who understands and is dealing with many of the same things that he is in real time, and he’s grateful to have friends like Furlan and Isabel and  _ especially _ Hange and Moblit that he can relate to, when being a  _ normal _ twenty-something year old is too much.Truthfully, those five people have done more for him than he could ever express, and by the time summer rolls around, Levi is finally starting to feel a sense of normalcy in his life, all things considered. He has a strong support system, a decent job and a promising future. He has everything he  _ couldn’t  _ have in his past life, and while that comes with quite a bit of guilt at times, it was also worth waiting for. Levi doesn’t necessarily believe in heaven or hell, and he’s still not certain that this is the  _ afterlife _ , but he figures it’s as close to the real deal as he could get.

He has everything he could ever want except…

_ Erwin. _

Okay, that train of thought is  _ a little _ selfish, considering he  _ has _ Erwin as a best friend and roommate, but…

Well, if he thought he was in love with Erwin  _ before, _ then he was sorely mistaken.

In their past life, he fell in love with Erwin’s drive, his passion, his charisma, decisiveness and most of all, the underlying  _ good _ behind every decision he ever made. The Erwin from a lifetime ago would swear up and down that he was a terrible person, that he’d pay for everything he’d done one day in hell, but Levi knew then what has been proven now: that Erwin  _ didn’t  _ deserve to go to hell. He deserved the world and then some. 

And this time around, Levi fell in love with Erwin’s adventurous spirit, his kindness and his willingness to learn. He was in love with those bright blue eyes and that warm smile before he even knew what love was, and although one could argue that maybe, it was just fondness from a past life spilling into this one, Levi would swear that he fell in love with Erwin regardless. 

But now… now, everything is  _ different. _ It’s hard to explain, but it’s just hard to sit at your shared kitchen table and look at the man that you fell in love with a lifetime ago, the kid that became your best friend, then slowly your first crush in this lifetime and _ not _ believe in fate. And if Levi thought he loved Erwin  _ before, _ then he didn’t know what love  _ really _ was. But he’s sure that he understands it when he sees the way Erwin laughs - and  _ really, fully _ laughs - at something Hange says when they’re out at dinner one night, or when he hears the way he talks about something that he cares about with the same amount of passion that he had a lifetime ago. 

It’s cheesy and stupid and so uncharacteristic of Levi to feel so smitten, but it makes sense, when he thinks about it. Erwin was the only person that he ever fully trusted, every fully gave his heart to a lifetime ago. And this time around, Erwin was the first and only person to really  _ get him _ for the majority of his life. No matter what happened, the universe kept bringing them back together, and that had to mean something,  _ right? _

More than once, Levi considers just spilling all of this to Erwin. It would be so easy. He  _ knows _ that Erwin isn’t seeing anyone - he hasn’t even shown true interest in another relationship since Marie - and it would make so much sense… they’re already living together. They’re  _ practically married, _ as Hange puts it. Fuck, he wants to tell him, wants Erwin to know how much he means to him, wants to get it all off of his chest, but…

Well, he’s scared. It’s stupid, really. Levi has been through so much worse, but for some reason this is one of the hardest decisions he’s ever wrestled with. A lifetime ago, Levi watched his mother  _ die _ and was forced to grow up at such a young age… then, just when he finally felt like he knew who he was, he was ripped from everything he knew and thrown into a war that he never wanted to fight, only to watch his two closest friends die right before him. His entire life was riddled with death and pain, and just when he found someone he fully trusted and loved, they were ripped away too soon as well. 

So really, Levi shouldn’t be scared, because he’s already been through the worst of it, but he can’t help but feel terrified of losing Erwin again, of scaring him away, of creating a divide between them.

So he doesn’t say anything. And for a while, he’s okay with that. 

But feelings have a way of bubbling up when you least expect it. 

And, well... alcohol doesn’t help. 

It’s a warm summer night when Hange and Moblit drag Erwin and Levi out bar hopping along with a group of their work friends. Although they can be a little much, Hange is at least smart enough not to invite Levi to events that he would hate, so when they mention breweries, tap rooms and possibly a few low-key dive bars downtown one Saturday night, he has a hard time saying no. Erwin is also fairly easy to convince, and before they know it, they’re in an Uber heading to some place called  _ Linger _ \- a mortuary turned restaurant, Hange  _ would _ choose something like that - and excited for a night out with friends. 

The night starts off tame enough with shared appetizers on the restaurant's rooftop bar before heading to a local brewery down the street - Erwin even makes a comment to Levi about Hange’s good taste - but the more they drink, the seedier that the bars they end up at become. And the more they drink, the less Levi really  _ cares _ because Hange and Moblit are definitely having a good time, and judging by the pink flush on Erwin’s cheeks and the near-permanent smile on his face, he is too. Levi has known Erwin long enough to know when he’s drunk, and Levi would be lying if he said he wasn’t feeling pretty good himself, so he doesn’t argue when, late in the night, Hange suggests making a stop at a bar that many of the college students frequent.

Prior to the first time he stepped in the door, if someone told Levi to close his eyes and imagine a shitty college dive bar, he wouldn’t even be able to come close to what  _ Extra Life _ is like. The arcade bar is located in the basement of an office building on a relatively quiet street downtown, but on weekends and summer nights, it comes alive with college kids and those trying to relive their glory days. After one stumbles down the stone steps, they’re generally met with loud music, musty, hot air, and bright lights. With only one small bar, it’s always  _ impossible _ to get drinks unless you flag down one of the scantily-dressed servers wandering throughout the tightly packed crowd with a tray of shots, but by the time you end up in a place like this, you generally  _ don’t care. _ Couple that with too many vintage game cabinets lining the walls, a poorly placed pool table, small dance floor and platforms for dancers to perform on during busier nights, you have everything that makes up Levi’s least favorite bar in town. 

Honestly, Levi should have known better - he didn’t like the place when he was newly twenty-one and getting dragged here by Furlan and Isabel and he certainly doesn’t enjoy it now - but he said yes when Hange suggested it because it sounded kind of fun. Only now, as he stands in the packed crowd surrounding the bar, he can’t help but regret it. 

And  _ of course _ Erwin takes this moment while they wait to get served to tease him about it. Suddenly, there’s a gentle hand in the middle of Levi’s back, just between his shoulder blades, before Erwin leans down, and over the loud music, says, “I believe the last time we came here you said you _ ‘wouldn’t be caught dead walking back into this filthy shit hole.’” _

Levi can’t help but glare up at Erwin in response, but he’s met with a giddy smile and warm eyes and  _ fuck, _ he can’t be too mad at him. He leans up on his toes to respond, “I actually called it a fucking cesspool, and I stand by it. Hange’s lucky I love them.”

Erwin laughs in response before leaning down again. “So you  _ do _ have a heart.”

He doesn’t even have the time to pull away before Levi is retorting, “You’re buying me a drink for that comment. Make it strong.”

Erwin laughs, muttering something along the lines of,  _ “That’s fair,” _ but it gets lost in the thumping music of the wannabe club. After that, he pushes forward, grabbing the attention of one of the bartenders and orders drinks. Levi doesn’t quite catch what they are, but he trusts Erwin to get his order right and, instead of sticking around, uses the moment to find a space far enough away from the majority of the crowd and still close to Hange and their friends, tucked away against the wall near the dance floor. 

Erwin is quick to find him and when he appears again, Levi is surprised, to say the least. Not only is Erwin balancing his own beer and what appears to be a gin and tonic for Levi in his hands, but he’s also holding two shot glasses, complete with salt and lime. 

_ “Tequila?” _ Levi asks incredulously, even as he takes his drink from Erwin. 

“Hey, you asked for strong,” Erwin retorts, holding one of the shots out for Levi to take, which he does. But he’s not happy about it. 

“Jesus,” Levi mutters, “Not what I meant, but… thanks.”

Erwin holds his shot up, wiggling it a little bit in front of Levi’s face, “Cheers?”

And, rolling his eyes, Levi clinks his glass against Erwin’s before slamming the shot of Tequila, chasing it with the lime and a sip of his mixed drink. 

After a moment to recover, Erwin is laughing, stepping a little closer to Levi to mutter, “Okay, not my best idea…”

“You think?” Levi teases back, but when he pulls away, Erwin is grinning.

“Are you having fun?”

His voice is almost impossible to catch over the loud music, but Levi hears him and rolls his eyes. “Are you  _ actually  _ asking me that right now?”

This time, when Erwin leans in, he does so with a hand on Levi’s arm, a bit closer, and Levi ignores the fact that the touch sends _ something _ through his body. “Yes,” he retorts, “Because you haven’t stormed out of here or threatened violence against someone yet.”

At that, Levi can’t help the laugh that escapes him and he realizes that  _ yeah,  _ despite the scenery, he  _ is _ having some fun. Up until now, Hange did a great job choosing bars, and it’s good seeing them and Moblit, so… yeah. He’ll give this one to Erwin. 

“Well, considering the fact that it doesn’t smell like literal shit in here this time and nobody has spilled a drink on me _yet_ … Yeah, _fine,_ I’m having a little bit of fun,” Levi admits.

Erwin pulls away then, his face positively  _ lighting up,  _ but before he has the chance to respond, Hange  _ finally _ approaches, throwing their arms around Erwin and Levi’s shoulders, practically yelling,  _ “Come dance with us!” _

And when Levi’s wide eyes meet Erwin’s over their drunk friend, he swears he sees him spitting his beer out because he’s laughing so hard. 

Despite his best efforts, Hange manages to drag Levi onto the too-crowded dance floor to join the rest of their friends, Erwin and Moblit close behind, and Levi quickly remembers that quite possibly the worst thing about this bar is  _ this _ . Sure, the bar is shitty and seedy and crowded, but the dance floor is on another level entirely. There’s always too much smoke from the fog machine and they always keep it just  _ a little _ too dark for the amount of people that crowd onto it, making it easy for couples to sneak off into little hidden corners to make out or…

Levi doesn’t really want to think about that. Instead, he focuses on not ripping Hange’s head off as they force him into some messy, drunken dance, grabbing his wrists and trying to swing him around. At the risk of spilling his entire drink, Levi only thinks about it for a moment before he slams it, then discards the glass on the closest table that he can find.

“I know you hate this, but thanks for humoring me,” Hange slurs as they pull Levi close again. They’re moving their hips side to side a little too much, just slightly off beat with the music, and although Levi  _ does _ hate this, he can’t help but laugh at Hange. 

“Yeah, well, anything to be able to make fun of your dancing later,” Levi all but shouts back over the music, right before Hange attempts to  _ twirl _ him. And  _ wow, _ he didn’t realize how much he had to drink until he was spinning across the dimly lit dance floor. 

“Oh, and you’re so much better?” Hange retorts, grinning from ear to ear, “Come on, show me what you got!”

Levi grimaces and shakes his head. “Absolutely not.” But Hange isn’t deterred, this time holding onto his hips to sway him a little bit, as if that will loosen him up. Glancing over his shoulder, Levi spies Erwin only a few feet away, watching the show that is Hange trying to get him to dance with a grin on his face, and  _ Jesus. _ He’s never gonna hear the end of this. 

“Worried I’m gonna embarrass you in front of Erwin?” Hange teases, and Levi’s attention  _ immediately _ snaps back to them.

_ “What?” _

“You should dance with him!” Hange exclaims, their eyes lighting up at the suggestion.

“No,” Levi argues immediately, “Hange -  _ stop.” _

But Hange has a hold on his arms again, and this time, they’re swaying him in the direction of Erwin, who is just barely moving along to the music, looking out of place on the dance floor. “Too late,” they mutter, before practically _ shoving _ Levi at Erwin.

“Erwin!” They shout over the music, as he catches Levi by his arms, “Can you dance with my partner for a sec while I get drinks?” They don’t really wait for an answer though, before they’re darting off toward the bar, leaving Levi and Erwin standing awkwardly on the outskirts of the dance floor, Levi’s eyes wide, Erwin with an amused look on his face.

“Erwin, we don’t -”

_ “Oh,  _ we  _ absolutely _ have to,” Erwin retorts as he begins to lead Levi toward the center of the dance floor again. He leans in, adding, “Unless  _ you _ want to deal with Hange when they come back and we’re not here.”

“We  _ could _ just bail,” Levi argues even as he allows Erwin to link their fingers together, swaying him a bit with the music, only in a less chaotic manner than Hange had. 

“Oh come on,” Erwin insists, “It’s not that bad, here -” 

He adjusts his grip on Levi, taking the lead as he finds his rhythm with the music, pulling away at just the right moment to spin Levi in the way that Hange had  _ meant _ to earlier, before pulling him a bit closer. The movement is so fluid that it takes Levi a moment to realize that Erwin has one hand on his hip. Erwin doesn’t miss a beat, though, moving them in time with the music, swaying his hips until Levi  _ finally _ begins to catch up. Unsure of where to put his hands Levi dances awkwardly with his arms close to his chest for a moment before Erwin is guiding him to place one hand on the small of his back. The other falls on Erwin’s bicep, then they’re moving again, and -

_ Oh. _ They’re really close. 

For a moment, Levi finds himself wondering when Hange is going to come back, but then, Erwin is moving his other hand to Levi’s hips, pulling him even closer, and then -

Then, Erwin is the only person in the room.

Levi swallows and glances up at him, surprised to meet Erwrin’s gaze when he does so. 

“Since when can you dance?” Levi teases, something to cut the tension, to make this less weird. Less like something that a teenage Levi dreamt of countless times. 

Erwin simply shrugs in response, “Just move to the music.”

So, that’s exactly what Levi does. Pushing his second thoughts and worries and insecurities aside and giving into the warm, loose feeling that the alcohol and the music brings, Levi forgets about everything else for a moment and just… _ moves. _ He lets Erwin guide him, lets Erwin take the lead, and before long, they’re swaying together among other couples and friends and bodies. And, before he knows what he’s doing, Levi’s moving, allowing his arms to wind around Erwin’s body, anchoring him in place, pulling him just a little closer and -

And Erwin doesn’t pull away. In fact, he does the opposite. One hand remains at Levi’s hip while the other slides around his middle, settling at the small of his back. And it’s  _ intimate,  _ this whole thing is, but Levi has been drinking and it  _ feels good _ to just give in to this for once, to touch Erwin… to let Erwin touch him. 

It isn’t until Levi glances up at Erwin again that he realizes what is happening. In a moment of clarity, Levi looks up at his dance partner and meets Erwin’s gaze, a look of surprise on his face. But instead of pulling away, Levi makes the decision to toe the line just a little bit more, one hand sliding up Erwin’s back until fingers reach the short blonde hairs on the back of his neck, and  _ then, _ the surprise written on Erwin’s face morphs into something a little more  _ dangerous. _ His eyes go lidded as he gazes down at Levi, as he pulls him impossibly closer, still moving in time with the music

_ Fuck it. _

Levi makes the decision then and there that he’ll take this as far as it goes, that he’ll ride this out and see what happens instead of balking away like a scared teenager with a crush, because he  _ wants _ this, and judging by the look on Erwin’s face, well…

Levi moves then, his arms coming to anchor around Erwin’s shoulders so he can pull him just  _ that much closer, _ so he can run fingers through his hair and  _ suddenly, _ they’re not dancing anymore. Suddenly, Erwin is breaking eye contact, glancing down at Levi’s lips before his eyes dart back up, and is Levi imagining Erwin dipping down, or -

_ “Shots!!!” _

Hange’s voice cuts through the moment like a knife, and just as fast as Erwin’s there, he’s gone, pulling away from Levi to look in the direction of their friend with the  _ impeccable  _ timing. And  _ fuck, _ Hange is getting an earful for this tomorrow. For someone who keeps pestering Levi to just  _ go for it, _ they sure do know how to ruin the moment. 

Seemingly unaware of what they just interrupted, Hange happily passes shots out to their small group of friends, spilling amber liquid with their jerky excited movements. Erwin laughs, graciously accepting his drink with one hand, the other still resting on the small of Levi’s back and Levi -

Levi can’t bring himself to move, acutely aware of where Erwin’s hand is, of where his hands just were, of what was just about to happen. Even when Hange hands him a shot, Levi just takes it mindlessly, no snarky comment or eye roll. His mind is elsewhere. And after they all cheers and take their shots, Levi still can’t quite focus. His one track mind is likely because he  _ has _ been drinking, but Erwin is  _ still _ touching him, and suddenly, he wants nothing more to get out of this shitty bar and go home. He wants nothing more to just turn back time and take the plunge, to pull Erwin down for a kiss and see what happens. 

Instead, Levi excuses himself, muttering something about needing to take a piss, and pulls away from Erwin’s touch and Hange’s searching gaze to cut through the crowd of drunk patrons. He doesn’t head in the direction of the restroom, though. Instead, Levi makes a bee-line for the exit, taking the stairs two at a time until he’s standing out on the sidewalk, breathing in fresh air and attempting to clear his mind. And  _ fuck, _ he really doesn’t smoke that often, but he’d kill for a cigarette right now - anything to calm his nerves and mellow him out.

Levi bums a cigarette from the next person to step outside the bar and pull a pack out of their pocket. Thankfully, people in this college town are more than generous with their smokes, and before long, Levi is leaning up against the brick building, taking a long drag and attempting to calm down. The last shot that he took isn’t sitting right in his stomach and he  _ knows  _ that he’s had too much to drink, and now, he wants nothing more than to leave, to apologize to Hange and Moblit and even Erwin in the morning and just  _ go _ .

He could always give some half-assed excuse - he wasn’t feeling well, he ran into a friend who offered to drive them home - but just as Levi pulls his phone out of his pocket to call an Uber, he hears a familiar voice. 

“I figured I’d find you out here.” 

Levi doesn’t have to look to know that it’s Erwin who just climbed up the steps and joined him outside. Erwin, the exact man that has him feeling so dizzy and confused and  _ scared _ right now, but when he glances up at his smiling face and warm gaze, the sight actually settles him, just a little bit.

This is  _ Erwin. _ His Erwin. He shouldn’t be so worried. 

Levi takes a drag of his cigarette, tipping his head back a little bit as he does so. “Caught me,” he mutters on an exhale. 

Erwin is quick to join him on the side of the building, leaning up against it next to him, and when he extends his arm next to Levi’s, Levi hands over the cigarette to share. Erwin takes a drag, then hands it back. 

“Y’know, you toughed it out in there a lot longer than last time,” he remarks, a playful tone in his voice.

“Yeah,” Levi mutters, taking another drag. It’s awkward. This is awkward. He wants to go home. He wants things to go back to normal, he wants -

“Do you wanna get out of here?” Erwin asks then, interrupting Levi’s train of thought. The question is simple enough, but it still has Levi turning to look at him, eyebrows raised.

“What?”

Erwin simply shrugs, “I mean, Hange is so wasted they probably won’t even notice. We can always lie and say I was getting sick so you had to take me home.”

_ Fuck,  _ Levi loves this man. “You don’t want to say bye?” He asks, just to be sure.

But Erwin just shakes his head, pushing away from the building a little bit, “Nah. Let’s go home.”

So five minutes and a shared cigarette later, Levi finds himself sliding into the back seat of an Uber with Erwin. And ten minutes into the ride, against his better judgement, Levi finds himself reaching out in the dark of the car, searching for Erwin’s hand before threading their fingers together. 

Erwin simply squeezes his hand in response. He doesn’t pull away. 

By the time they arrive home, Levi has made up his mind. He has to do  _ something. _ He has to say something. He’s sick of this shit, of always wondering, of being too afraid to act on it. He’s tired of perfect little moments like this, holding Erwin’s hand in the car and dancing with him in the bar and then  _ nothing _ happening. So by the time they walk through the front door, Levi has decided that he’s going to do something about it, but he just doesn’t know how. 

Instead, he finds himself rummaging around in the refrigerator, pulling out a couple of beers, handing one to Erwin before taking a seat at the kitchen counter. 

A deep breath, then -

“Never knew you could actually dance,” Levi mutters as he grabs the bluetooth speaker from the counter. He turns it on and connects it to his phone, putting a playlist on shuffle for some background noise, something to make this a little easier. 

“It kind of came back to me,” Erwin admits with a smile, beer just about to his lips when he pauses to speak. “Having to attend so many balls back then…”

Levi raises his eyebrows in response. “Yeah? Even the grinding? I’m sure the noblewomen were super into that.”

Erwin laughs. “No,  _ that’s _ from college parties.”

Levi just rolls his eyes in response. “I never got around to  _ dancing _ at those shitty events,” he mutters, steering the conversation back to the balls that they were forced into attending in order to secure expedition funding. “I always ended up entertaining those morbidly curious assholes with  _ Titan stories.” _ Levi says the phrase with a mocking tone, which earns a knowing smile from Erwin.

“I distinctly remember you frightening quite a few of them,” he remarks. 

“Well, they shouldn’t have asked then,” Levi retorts. Then, before he can talk himself out of it,  _ hoping  _ that this leads to something, he asks, “So how  _ did _ you dance at those things, then? Y’know, if dirty dancing wasn’t involved.”

Erwin’s smile only softens into something far away. Warm nostalgia. Memories taking over. “Give me a slower song.”

It takes Levi a moment to find the right one, a slower song that seems relatively easy to dance to. Then, before he knows it, Erwin is reaching his hand out, and after only a second of hesitation, Levi takes it. 

And  _ this -  _ this is  _ much _ different than the bar. This isn’t loud, thumping bass, alcohol still burning in his throat, Erwin’s hands hot on his body. This is soft piano, Erwin taking great care - despite how intoxicated they  _ both _ may be - to swing Levi perfectly in time with the music in their small kitchen, extending his arm to twirl him at just the right moment, only to pull him back closer again. Erwin moves with such grace and ease that Levi almost forgets that he’s been drinking. It all seems to come naturally, the way that his body moves with Erwin’s, the way their hands feel, clasped together. 

Before long, the song begins to slow as it comes to an end, and, without warning, Erwin shifts, dipping Levi slightly, and then -

He lingers there. It’s only for a few seconds and the song is still playing out, but Erwin pauses, eyes almost glassy, far away as he looks down at Levi like… well, like he’s something precious. 

Then, like Levi had in the bar, Erwin glances down, down to Levi’s lips before his eyes dart back up to meet his gaze. Levi swallows, attempting to steel himself, and then, Erwin’s hoisting him back up, pulling him close once more to finish out the song. 

Only now, he doesn’t move as gracefully. His movements falter, then freeze, and then they’re standing there in the kitchen, the music fading out and -

Levi  _ knows _ that this is his chance. He has to do  _ something, _ but before he can act, before he can even begin to formulate a plan, Erwin is reaching forward, knuckles just barely brushing Levi’s jaw before a warm hand covers his cheek, and  _ oh. _

_ Oh. _

Levi’s breath catches in his throat. 

He sees the kiss coming before it happens, everything moving in slow motion, Erwin’s hand on his waist pulling him just a little bit closer, but it still comes as a surprise when their lips touch.

Immediately, Levi’s mind goes back to the last time they kissed, back on New Year’s Eve years ago, but this… this feels nothing like that. It’s tender and sweet and intimate, and  _ Erwin _ is the one pulling him closer, it’s  _ Erwin’s _ hand that moves, finding a hold on the back of Levi’s neck, solidifying the kiss, cementing it. And there’s soft music floating throughout the house, and  _ Erwin  _ was the one who suggested coming home, who insisted on dancing with Levi at the bar, and  _ shit. _

_ Shit. _

But it’s Levi who deepens the kiss, tilting his head just ever so slightly, parting his lips and reveling in the taste of cheap beer and whiskey and stale cigarettes and  _ Erwin.  _ And god, it’s not what he expected at all, when he’d allow himself to fantasize about this alone in his room, but it’s everything that he wanted it to be. Erwin, holding tightly onto him. Erwin, following Levi’s lead, tongue tentatively swiping across his bottom lip before giving in and kissing him back.

Levi realizes belatedly that his right hand is hanging uselessly at his side while his left one grips Erwin’s wrist as if he’s anchoring him in place, and  _ that won’t do, _ so after just a moment longer, Levi’s reaching up, up to wrap his arms around Erwin’s neck, pulling him even closer. And it’s only a few moments later that they finally part, only just a few inches. 

Levi, in typical fashion, simply smirks up at Erwin when their eyes meet, offering a soft, “Hey,” and then quickly, they’re kissing again. And this time, it’s much deeper, more passionate, leaving Levi breathless but aching for more. He surges forward at that, his teeth catching Erwin’s bottom lip gently, and the gasp that it earns from Erwin is everything he has ever dreamt of.

Levi isn’t sure how long they’re like that, kissing in the kitchen, but  _ eventually, _ Erwin moves backing them up until they're pressed against the countertop and Levi quickly takes the hint, taking it upon himself to hoist himself up onto the kitchen counter. Levi spreads his legs to accommodate Erwin, who is quick to step forward, his hands coming to rest on Levi’s hips, and then, their lips meet again and this -  _ this _ is something that Levi can’t misread and he knows it. Sure, a drunken kiss on New Year’s, that’s one thing. But Erwin has had plenty of chances to pull away now, to stop this, and he hasn’t. And it’s not like Levi has forced any of this. If anything, he’s simply following Erwin’s lead.

_ Erwin, _ who smiles against Levi’s lips when Levi wraps his legs around his waist. Erwin, who, after a few moments, moves away to begin kissing down Levi’s jaw, his neck, sucking sloppy little marks into his skin. And  _ god, _ normally Levi would swat away any man who would try to leave hickies on his neck - it’s just so  _ immature _ and messy _ \-  _ but he revels in the thought of being marked by Erwin, by the idea of being able to look in the mirror in the morning and know that  _ Erwin _ gave him those bruises. So instead, Levi simply tilts his head to the side, exhaling on a sigh, his fingers carding through Erwin’s hair. 

Before long, their lips meet again for another kiss, this time a little messier, a little more desperate, and this time it’s Levi who eventually moves, using his leverage to pull Erwin’s head to the side, kissing and nipping down his neck until he reaches the collar of his shirt. And then, after a brief moment of hesitation, Levi is reaching down to begin unbuttoning Erwin’s shirt with nimble fingers. And  _ fuck, _ this is actually happening. Sure, they’ve been drinking, and maybe this isn’t exactly how he envisioned it, but it’s happening, and that’s all that matters.

_ Erwin wants him, _ and that’s all that matters. 

But as Levi begins to fumble with the third button on Erwin’s shirt, a hand covers his own, stilling his actions as Erwin pulls away just slightly.

“Levi,” Erwin murmurs, and  _ god, _ his voice sounds so soft, so intimate and sweet. The hand on Levi’s own becomes a little more firm. “Levi, wait -”

At that, Levi finally glances up, his eyes meeting Erwin’s. And he  _ waits, _ while Erwin swallows, taking a moment to gather himself before finally saying, “Look, we’re both drunk… I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

And Levi can’t help the laugh that escapes him, because it’s  _ wild _ that Erwin would think that he’s  _ taking advantage _ of Levi of all people. “You’re not,” he mutters in response, batting Erwin’s hand away gently, “Come on -  _ I want this.” _

It’s the first time that Levi has really  _ verbalized  _ it, but  _ god, _ it feels good to get it off of his chest. It feels like a weight has been lifted.

Levi leans forward then, to press another kiss to Erwin’s lips, but to his surprise, Erwin pulls back just slightly, just out of reach.

“I do too,” he assures, “But maybe we should wait until we’re sober.”

Levi rolls his eyes in response. “You act like we haven’t kissed before. Have you forgotten -”

“No,” Erwin interrupts, his voice firm. “No, I haven’t, but we were both drinking then, too, and - I - look, I just want to make sure we’re making the right choice here, okay?”

Oh.  _ Oh. _

So that’s where this is coming from. That New Year’s kiss… their conversation the next morning. Levi had brushed it off so easily, afraid of a confrontation, afraid of admitting his feelings to Erwin.

Shit.

Levi sighs, more frustrated with himself than he is with Erwin.  _ Erwin, _ who just wants to do the right thing. “And if I tell you that I feel like I’m making the right choice?” he questions.

Erwin reaches up then, his knuckles just barely grazing Levi’s chin, thumb brushing his bottom lip. Levi wants to lean into the touch, but just as fast as it’s there, it’s gone. “Then you’ll say the same thing in the morning, when we’re sober,” he insists.

And…  _ fine. _ Levi sighs again, knowing that there’s no talking Erwin out of this. He knows that it would be easier to just go with his gut, to just let this happen tonight so he  _ wouldn’t _ have to try to explain his feelings to Erwin in a coherent manner, but Erwin is right. He always is. So Levi hops down from the countertop, adjusting himself before glancing up at Erwin, who, of course, is still watching him. 

“Well, I’m going to bed before I do something stupid,” he mumbles, glancing away, but as he moves to walk away, Erwin catches his wrist, stilling him.

“Levi -”

Erwin looks down at him like he wants to say something, like he wants to stop him or take it all back, but when he opens his mouth to speak, nothing comes out. Instead, he just moves, dipping down to press a quick, gentle kiss on his lips. And then, just like that, he's gone.

“Goodnight,” he finally breaks the silence, voice soft.

And it takes everything in Levi to choke out a soft, “Goodnight” in return before he’s finally walking away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO MUCH HAPPENED. ERWIN IS SO RESPONSIBLE. LEVI IS JUST REALLY HORNY FOR HIS ROOMMATE. DISCUSS.


	6. heaven is a place I know when I'm with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I don't know when I started loving you_   
>  _Now it's all that I can do_   
>  _Heaven is a place I know when I'm with you_
> 
> ALRIGHT FRIENDS. Strap yourselves in cause it's a long one. First off, you may notice that the rating of this fic changed. I originally intended to keep it M throughout but this one kind of ran away with me. I had planned on it being a short 10k-ish one shot and it ended up being three times as long and 6 chapters so I'll take it haha. 
> 
> It feels really bittersweet finishing this one cause I had so much fun writing it, but I'm hoping to start writing something new soon (I've got a couple ideas in mind) or I may try revisiting some older unfinished fics... We'll see.
> 
> Anyway, it's been a lot of fun. I hope you enjoy the ending!

Some people will tell you that there is a specific moment that you’ll realize that you’re in love with someone. That it’s like you were living in the dark your whole life and then suddenly, someone turned the lights on. That you’ll  _ know _ you’ve found your soulmate because it just clicks. Because it just feels right.

Levi would call those people liars.

Because falling in love with Erwin wasn’t like the flip of a switch. It wasn’t like being stuck in a desert, then finally having a sip of water. It wasn’t this love at first sight bullshit that you see in movies or read about in romance novels. It wasn't even an  _ a-ha! _ moment. Falling in love with Erwin was a gradual thing. It was like a fire that kept growing and growing until it was impossible to ignore. It wasn’t feeling lost and alone one moment, then completely and hopelessly in love the next. In fact, Levi can’t even recall the moment that he first realized that he was in love with Erwin. He just...  _ was.  _

If he thinks back far enough, he can remember when the fondness for his Commander began to grow in his chest. It wasn’t that rainy day on the battlefield that Levi lost Furlan and Isabel. Hell, it probably wasn’t even for quite some time after that. He always had respect for Erwin, but that fondness? It was something that was nurtured, that grew over time, over cups of tea and shared evenings in Erwin’s office. That fondness, that eventual  _ love _ , was something that manifested over unexpected conversations about Erwin’s father, about his hopes and dreams and occasionally, even his fears. It appeared when Erwin would hang his head after a poor mission, and it would stay as Levi helped Erwin write letters to the parents of fallen soldiers - something that a Commander didn’t  _ have _ to do, but he insisted on taking on anyway. 

Levi can’t remember a specific event or an epiphany moment, but he  _ can _ remember that eventually, things began to shift. That eventually, he stopped fighting for the good of humanity or his fallen friends or even for himself, and he started fighting for  _ Erwin. Always _ for Erwin. 

And even this time around, Levi can’t recall a specific moment that he fell in love with Erwin. Was the attraction always there? Sure, of course. But love? He’s not sure. He just can’t remember a time that he  _ didn’t _ love Erwin.

So when Levi wakes the morning after spending the night out at the bars with Hange and their friends, after slow dancing, and eventually making out with Erwin in the kitchen, he has a hard time believing that it actually happened. He has lost count of how many dreams he’s had of finally admitting his feelings for Erwin, if finally giving in and just fucking kissing him. So it’s easy to write  _ that _ off as a dream as well. Just a very vivid dream. 

So when Levi wakes the next morning, it’s with a raging headache and a dry mouth and an underlying feeling that  _ everything  _ is about to change. 

Or is he about to get sick? He’s not sure. 

After allowing his eyes a moment to adjust to the bright sunlight shining through his bedroom window - god, was he  _ that _ drunk that he forgot to close the curtains? - Levi drags himself out of bed and pads quietly down the hall to the restroom. He isn’t entirely sure what time it is, but judging by the fact that the house doesn’t smell like coffee, it’s either very early or very late. 

Once Levi determines that he isn’t, in fact, going to throw up, he opts to take a hot shower before venturing out into the kitchen to find something greasy to settle his stomach. He hates how he feels after a night of drinking - groggy and sweaty and slightly nauseous - and doesn’t even bother glancing in the mirror to see what a mess he likely is before he’s stepping into the steaming water. 

The shower isn’t long, but it’s refreshing, and by the time Levi’s wrapping a towel around his waist, he’s already feeling a bit better. 

That, however, changes when he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His reflection is slightly obscured by fog, but it’s still clear enough for him to spy the dark blemishes on his neck and -

Levi quickly wipes the mirror with a hand and leans in close, prodding at his neck with a slender finger. There, on the side of his neck are two unmistakable hickies - one lighter mark just below his jaw and a darker one, just a little lower.

Oh.  _ Oh shit. _

The memories - memories that Levi had mistaken for a desperate dream about his roommate upon waking up - immediately come flooding back, albeit a little hazy. He closes his eyes, taking a few deep breaths as he leans against the sink and urges himself to remember. 

He recalls dancing at  _ Extra Life _ , despite his protests, remembers Hange appearing with shots and eventually, escaping outside. And then… he remembers Erwin, smoking outside and catching a ride home… leaning against Erwin in the back of the car and -

And he remembers playing a slow song, dancing in the kitchen and…

_ Shit. _

Erwin’s warm hand and soft lips, the way he’d cradled Levi’s face as they kissed. He remembers threading his fingers through Erwin’s hair like he’s dreamt of doing for  _ ages _ now, and he remembers the way that Erwin had reacted when he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, that gasp -

He also remembers, however, the way Erwin had also reacted when Levi had tried to undress him. What were the words he used?

_ I don’t want to take advantage of you.  _

Was that right?

_ Fuck. _

Levi swallows, meeting his own gaze in the mirror. 

This _is_ a development, but it’s not what he expected. From what he can remember, it seemed as if Erwin  _ wanted _ him, that Erwin wanted this too…

But Levi’s memories are fuzzy, clouded with alcohol. What if Erwin regrets it? What if he stopped Levi because he was unsure? What if it was just a stupid, drunken mistake?

This isn’t something that they can really ignore - the evidence is clear as day on Levi’s neck. So, without wasting any more time, Levi decides that it’s best to just bite the bullet, face this head-on, and hope the aftermath isn’t too bad. He pulls on a clean t-shirt and a pair of joggers, does a double take of himself in the mirror again, adjusting his still-damp hair, and finally, steps out of the bathroom. 

By the time Levi is finally out of the shower and done giving himself a mental pep-talk in the bathroom mirror, he can hear Erwin rummaging around in the kitchen. Although he wants nothing more than to just curl up in bed and avoid confrontation, he decides that it’s best to suck it up and face him. He can’t avoid him forever, and besides, Levi needs to get  _ something _ in his stomach. So with a deep breath, he makes his way down the hallway, toward the kitchen. 

The first thing that Levi notices upon stepping into the room are the takeout boxes on the kitchen table. The second is Erwin, dressed in a distressed band t-shirt - Levi’s pretty sure it’s one that Erwin bought when they went to a concert together a few summers ago - and sweatpants. 

“Morning,” Levi grumbles, making his presence known. He approaches the table, eyeballing the takeout boxes. They’re from a local diner down the street - greasy, home cooked breakfast. Just what the doctor ordered. 

“Good morning,” Erwin glances up at him, offering a warm smile in response. “You’re right on time - I just got back from  _ Scott’s _ . Figured if you felt as bas as I did this morning, you could use this too.”

Erwin is going to be the death of him.

Levi steels himself.  _ This is normal. Erwin’s acting normal. This is good. _

“Remind me to kick Hange’s ass,” he mutters, joining Erwin in the kitchen. While Erwin grabs plates, Levi rummages through the fridge, reaching for the half-empty orange juice carton, hoping it’s still good. 

“And  _ you _ ,” he adds, pointing at Erwin with the juice as he shuts the door, “With the tequila. What were you thinking?”

Erwin barks out a laugh in response, and Levi can’t help the way his lips twitch with a smile. “It wasn’t the tequila,” Erwin insists, “It was Hange and that whiskey. I swear.”

Levi snorts. “I don’t feel so bad for dipping out early then,” he says as he takes a seat at the table. 

Erwin offers him a smile as he hands a takeout box his way. “Same here.”

Breakfast is unsurprisingly uneventful and quiet, but Levi knows that they’re not out of the woods just yet. Although things seem fine so far, he knows Erwin well enough to know that he wouldn’t start a serious discussion while they eat. For that, he’s eternally grateful because he’s still trying to formulate some sort of an explanation, an apology, an admission - whatever this conversation will call for. 

But, as Levi does the dishes and Erwin busies himself throwing out the to-go boxes, the silence weighs heavy. Levi knows what’s coming before Erwin finally says it.

“About last night…” Erwin’s voice is careful, not necessarily hesitant, but definitely delicate, as if he’s not entirely sure what to say, either. Levi  _ almost _ misses it over the sound of the running water, but he doesn’t ignore it and instead, turns off the tap after a deep breath. 

“We don’t have to talk about it.”

They’re the first words out of Levi’s mouth, and he cringes the second he says them. He doesn’t mean it, not really, but it’s a reflex. Self preservation.  _ Deny, deny, deny. _ He’s giving Erwin an easy out if he needs it, but he doesn’t have it in him to face Erwin as he says it. Instead, his hands grip the edge of the sink, knuckles white. 

He can hear the frown in Erwin’s voice when he says, “Levi, I know you well enough to know when you’re lying.” Then, after a beat of silence, he adds, “Can you please look at me?”

Levi swallows, turning to face Erwin, his arms reflexively coming up to cross over his chest. It’s defensive, closed off. That’s who Levi is, who he always has been. 

“Fine,” he mutters at last, willing his voice not to sound argumentative, at the very least. “What do you want to talk about?”

At first, Erwin doesn’t say anything. Instead, he just  _ looks _ at Levi. Really looks at him. It’s a gaze that strips away all of Levi’s defenses, tha leaves him feeling uncomfortable and bare. Levi knows this look well, because Erwin had it in a past life, too. He has been under this gaze one too many times, each as uncomfortable as the last. 

Finally, Erwin takes a deep breath. “Well, the kiss, for starters,” he says, matter-of-factly, “Or I suppose, what you want out of this, if anything.”

Levi huffs out a humourless half-laugh in response. “Why do you have to be so formal about this shit?”

He’s avoiding the question. He knows it and he’s certain that Erwin knows it. Erwin doesn’t call him on it, though. In fact, for a moment, he looks taken aback. He opens his mouth, then shuts it, glancing away for a brief second before looking back up at Levi again. 

“Because I care about you,” Erwin admits at last, his tone open, full of emotion, “And I don’t want to mess this up.”

_ “Oh.” _

The single syllable leaves Levi like a punch to the gut. 

_ Oh.  _

Erwin watches Levi for what feels like forever, but in reality is only a couple of seconds, before he’s moving, taking a couple of steps forward. “Please, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve always felt that there is  _ something _ between us... both in this life and the last,” he says, “Last time, we simply weren’t allowed the time to worry about such matters. It would have been… irresponsible, frankly, as unfair as that sounds.”

The words sound so familiar as Erwin says them, because it’s a speech that Levi has prepared in his head countless times. It takes a moment to register that he isn’t  _ thinking _ this. That Erwin’s saying it. He continues, “And now… well,  _ now _ , you’ve been my best friend since we were children, Levi. I’m sure you can understand my hesitation when it comes to something like this. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, so  _ that’s _ why I’m so  _ formal, _ as you put it.”

Levi can’t take his eyes off of Erwin. He feels hysterical, like he’s going to burst into tears or burst out laughing, he’s not sure which. But when he opens his mouth, nothing comes out other than -

_ “Fuck.” _

Erwin cocks his head to the side slightly. “What is it?”

“God,  _ fuck you,” _ Levi chokes out. Now, he laughs, he can’t help it. He feels giddy, feels like this is all just a dream, reality playing a trick on him, and he’s going to wake up any moment now. 

But he doesn’t. 

Finally, he mutters, “You make it sound so simple.”

Because somehow, Erwin managed to eloquently speak the words that Levi’s been  _ dying  _ to say, dying to hear for longer than he can remember. 

Now, Erwin smiles. He seems to relax just a little bit, taking another step forward, almost arm’s length away, now. “I’m not sure I follow…”

Levi rolls his eyes, but his arms unfold to hang at his sides, betraying him. 

_ “Yeah,” _ he says, voice trembling with just one word. He swallows, steeling himself. This is his moment. “I feel the same way, Erwin. I always have. I’ve  _ always _ wanted you, but I didn’t know - you didn’t -”

The words are choppy, his mouth struggling to keep up with his thoughts. “Back then - you’re right. We didn’t have the time. Everything was  _ so  _ fucked up. And now…  _ I don’t know. _ I didn’t think you saw me like that. I didn’t -”

“Of course I do,” Erwin interrupts, his voice warm. He takes one last step forward, taking Levi’s hand, now. The touch lights Levi’s nerves on fire. “I always have. Then, and now.”

“Well  _ fuck,” _ Levi bites. “Why’d you stop me last night, then?”

“Because, I needed to make sure I wasn’t making a mistake,” Erwin explains, “I knew I felt that way, but I didn’t want to take advantage of you when you had been drinking, before we had a chance to talk about this.”

Levi huffs. “Well, I haven’t been drinking. And I still want you.” 

“You said that,” Erwin says with a smile and a teasing hint to his voice. 

“So, what are you going to do about it?” Levi challenges in response. 

This time, the kiss doesn’t come as a surprise. What does, however, is the ferocity and passion behind it, the swift way that Erwin practically lunges forward, capturing Levi’s parted lips in a searing kiss. He’s still tender, though, still holds the sides of Levi’s face like he’s something precious, like he’ll fall apart if he’s not careful.

And something inside of Levi just  _ snaps. _

All of his walls. All of his hesitation and fear… the guard that he worked so hard to build up, it all comes crumbling down.

Levi barely hesitates before he’s wrapping his arms around Erwin as well, pulling him impossibly closer, clutching onto him and kissing him back with everything he’s got, because -

Because Erwin wants him. Erwin wants  _ this _ . Two lifetimes worth of pent up longing, love and lust come pouring out as they kiss, and Levi never wants to let him go. He feels stupid for second guessing this because it just feels so  _ right,  _ but at the same time, it’s still hard to believe that it’s Erwin’s hands on him, Erwin’s lips on his own. It’s hard to believe that after wanting this for so long, Erwin is  _ his. _

Overcome with emotion, Levi pulls back just slightly, ending the kiss only to bury his face in the crook of Erwin’s neck, his arms wrapping tightly around his middle. When he squeezes his eyes shut, a lifetime worth of memories plays out in his head, but this will easily become his favorite. 

“Hey…” Erwin’s voice is soft near Levi’s ear as his fingers stroke through the short hairs on the back of his neck. He presses a soft kiss to Levi’s temple. “You okay?”

Levi pulls back then, just far enough away to look Erwin in the eye. “Yeah,” he assures, shooting Erwin a smile. “Yeah, I’m great.”

Then, Erwin is tilting his jaw up with his finger and they’re kissing again. This time, Levi is quick to deepen the kiss, eager to catch up to where they left off late last night, wherever that takes them. And now, when Levi kisses down Erwin’s neck, Erwin easily accommodates him, tilting his head to the side just ever so slightly, one hand on the back of Levi’s head, the other on his back. 

Before long, Erwin’s hands are all over him - on his hips, in his hair, pushing his shirt up to expose his midriff and Levi revels in the touch. He’s already in love with everything else about Erwin and it’s exhilarating to experience him in a new way, to be able to commit this all to memory - the way he kisses, the soft sighs that escape his lips when Levi presses impossibly closer, the heaviness of his hands. He wants to learn it all, and he knows that they have all the time in the world, but -

“Erwin,” Levi’s voice is low, their lips brushing together as he speaks, and he hopes that he’s reading this right. “Can we go to bed?”

Erwin’s hand - the one that had been playing with Levi’s hair, fingers gentle yet firm - stills at Levi’s words and for a brief moment, Levi wonders if he’s taking this too fast, maybe he should slow down. He doesn’t even know if Erwin has ever  _ been _ with a man before, and here Levi is, practically asking to fuck on the first date. Hell this isn’t even a  _ date, _ this is making out in the kitchen after breakfast and -

“Yeah,” Erwin murmurs in response. He presses a soft kiss to Levi’s lips, then nods against him, “Yeah, come on.”

Erwin’s bedroom feels lived in, and that’s not just a nice way of saying that it’s messy. Sure, Levi’s immaculate room is much cleaner than Erwin’s, but Erwin’s bedroom feels like  _ home _ , with a plush rug in the middle of the old wood floor, warm light from the reading lamp on his bedside table lighting up his dark, unmade bedding, and a book sitting facedown on the table, marking his place from the day before. It feels warm, welcome. Just like Erwin.

They’re kissing again before they even make it through Erwin’s doorway, Erwin backing Levi up through his room and guiding him gently towards the bed. Now, their kisses are a little sloppier, a little more desperate. Before the backs of his legs even hit the bed frame, Levi is pawing gently at Erwin’s t-shirt, rucking it up his back and enjoying the skin to skin contact.

This time, when Erwin reaches back to stop Levi’s movements, Levi doesn’t feel fear or uncertainty that Erwin doesn’t want this. Instead, he just feels curiosity. This is uncharted territory for both of them, and Levi is eager to learn what Erwin does and doesn’t like.

“Levi -”

“If you’re going to spout some shit about  _ taking advantage of me…” _ Levi cuts him off with a teasing tone to his voice. It thankfully earns a chuckle from Erwin.

“No,” he says with a smile, reaching forward to brush a stray hair from Levi’s face, “I just don’t want you to feel like we have to rush anything. We have all the time in the world.”

“At the risk of sounding cheesy, it really isn’t rushing when you’ve been waiting this long,” Levi retorts. There’s still a playful tone to his voice, but after a beat, he adds, “But in all seriousness, I don’t give a shit what we do. We could lay in bed and fucking cuddle all day if that’s what you want.”

Somehow, the smile on Erwin’s face grows even more fond. He half-expects Erwin to tease him about the  _ cuddling _ comment, because it’s so uncharacteristic of Levi, but instead he just says, “Well, I never said I didn’t want to do anything -”

“Good,” Levi interrupts, “Because I want you.”

It’s blunt and to the point, but Levi knows that Erwin expects nothing less from him, and that’s only solidified when Erwin simply nods, murmuring a soft, “Okay,” before leaning in for another kiss. 

Erwin’s shirt is discarded by the time Levi is climbing into his bed, back to the headboard, legs parted to accommodate him. And imagining it is one thing, but actually feeling the press of Erwin’s weight on top of him, their bodies slotting together in bed, is something else entirely. They lay like that for a few minutes, making out in bed like a couple of teenagers, feeling each other out, but eventually, Erwin shifts, lips brushing Levi’s jaw first, then his neck, dancing across the already healing bruises that he put there the night before. 

“Admiring your handiwork?” Levi teases, fingers tangled in Erwin’s hair. 

In response, Erwin simply places an open-mouthed kiss to his neck before dragging his lips lower, and  _ oh. _ The ghost of Erwin’s breath on his clavicle sends a shiver down his spine. 

Before he knows it, Erwin’s hands are on his hips again, then his stomach, sliding under his shirt and dancing up his ribcage. Levi gasps at the touch, but arches up into it, welcoming Erwin’s exploring hands. It should be terrifying, letting someone new learn his body like this, and if it were anyone else, it would be, but this is  _ Erwin.  _ Levi welcomes every touch, every kiss and every searing gaze. 

Eventually, Erwin begins to push his shirt up his chest and Levi takes the hint, sitting up slightly in bed and pulling it off. Then, Erwin’s all over him again, mapping out his skin with sturdy hands and lips and teeth and tongue. 

Levi’s hard long before Erwin’s fingers even begin toying with the waistband of his joggers, so when he feels the tickle of fingertips near the skin of his navel, then his hips, he’s lifting his hips up invitingly.

Erwin glances up at him then, through heavy lidded eyes and _fuck,_ he looks wrecked, and Levi hasn’t even _touched_ _him_ yet.

“Can I -”

“Do you even have to ask?”

Erwin’s offers Levi this smile in response and  _ fuck, _ if it’s not the most charming thing he’s ever seen. Then, he’s lifting his hips and Erwin is undressing him in one fluid motion and  _ oh. _

This is really happening. Levi is laying in Erwin’s bed, naked, and Erwin is sitting between his legs, drinking in the sight and _ shit, _ how did this escalate from drunken kisses the night before? How did this actually work out the way that Levi had always hoped? 

For a moment, Erwin doesn’t move, he doesn’t even speak, but just when Levi is about to tell him to get on with it, Erwin finally shifts. He leans forward his hands on Levi’s thighs before they begin to trail up his body, slowly mapping out his skin. 

Before Levi can say or do anything, Erwin murmurs, “You have no idea how long I’ve - to see you like this, Levi - I -”

It’s not often that Erwin - that his  _ Commander _ \- can’t properly string together a sentence, and Levi basks in it.  _ He’s _ doing this to Erwin, and he hasn’t even done a damn thing yet. It’s a thrilling thought. 

“Yeah? You’ve been thinking of seeing me like this?” Levi asks with just a teasing hint to his voice. He lifts his hips just slightly, arching into the touch. Then, before he can filter himself, he asks, voice thick, “You jerk off thinking of me?”

And finally, Erwin cracks. He can’t help the smile that flashes across his face, even now. “Levi -”

“Cause I have,” Levi interrupts, voice low, “Thinking of you, Erwin.”

“ _Jesus,_ Levi -” 

Erwin’s hands are on his ribs now, sliding up his body, but Levi doesn’t stop talking. “I can’t tell you how many times, how often I -  _ shit, _ how bad I wanted this -”

Levi’s rambling is cut short by a messy kiss, Erwin’s lips and teeth and tongue, and  _ fuck, _ he didn’t mean for it to all spill out, but if Erwin’s about to start sweet talking him, then two can play at this game.

When the kiss ends, Levi is left breathless and panting on Erwin’s bed, Erwin hovering above him. 

“You’re going to be the death of me,” Erwin says after a beat of silence, and Levi can’t help the smirk that finds its way onto his face. 

“I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m really not,” he remarks, which earns a smile and a silencing kiss from Erwin in response - his own silent way of telling Levi to  _ stop talking so much shit _ . But deep down, he knows that Erwin likes it. His shitty off-hand remarks have always earned a laugh from his best friend, his Commander. Now is no different, except -

Well, except for the fact that he’s lying naked in Erwin’s bed, Erwin on top of him, kissing the life out of him. Okay, so a  _ lot _ has changed, but Levi’s feelings for Erwin remain the same. His desire for the other man, for  _ this _ are the same as they were a lifetime ago, only  _ now, _ they can actually do something about it. They can lay in bed and kiss and explore each other’s bodies without the fear of losing the other on the battlefield the next day. 

And  _ fuck, _ Levi wants to take it all in, wants to take his time to learn everything about Erwin because even after an entire lifetime together (and their entire adolescence and early twenties together this time) there’s still so much more to learn, like what Erwin’s soft sighs sound like when Levi catches his lip between his teeth, or what exactly makes Erwin gasp or moan with pleasure in bed or -

Or the way that Erwin’s lips feel, kissing down his chest and stomach, the sharpness of his teeth as he gently bites the thin layer of skin over Levi’s bony hips. Levi wants to take  _ all of this _ in, especially the way his own hips arch up when Erwin licks a stripe up the underside of his cock.

_ Fuck. _

Levi throws his head back at the sensation, his eyes screwing shut, his hands finding their way into Erwin’s hair. It should be embarrassing, really, how turned on he already is when Erwin isn’t even  _ undressed _ yet, but Levi can’t bring himself to care, not when Erwin’s taking him into his mouth and  _ oh. _

Erwin’s no pro by any means, pulling back quickly when Levi hits the back of his throat, but he’s enthusiastic, and before long, Levi’s hips are arching off the bed as he practically begs Erwin to -

_ “Fuck, Erwin, stop -  _ unless you want me to come before we fuck - I -”

The loss of pleasure when Erwin pulls away is almost enough to make Levi groan - he was  _ almost  _ there, so close - but he asked for it. He  _ doesn’t  _ want to come yet. Not until he has the chance to make Erwin feel as good as he does.

When Levi opens his eyes, though, the sight before him - Erwin kneeling between his legs, hair messy, eyes watery - is nearly enough to make him come right then and there. He swallows, sitting up on his elbows.

Before Erwin has a chance to say something perfect and too kind and eloquent, Levi is leaning forward, pulling at Erwin’s shirt. 

“God, you’re still dressed. Why are you still dressed?” he mutters, earning a laugh from Erwin in response. 

“Sorry, I got distracted,” Erwin admits with a sly smile, and  _ god, _ Levi could smack him, he really could, but he’s focused on getting him undressed right now. The shit talking can wait. 

And once Erwin is undressed as well, Levi can’t help but pause to drink in the sight. Sure, he’s seen his roommate (his best friend, his  _ lover _ ) shirtless before, but never like this. He’s  _ looked, _ of course he has, but not as openly as he does now, eyes trailing from Erwin’s toned upper body to his stomach, his surprisingly slim hips and thick thighs. And of course, his hard cock, curved up against his stomach and leaking precome.

_ “Fuck,” _ Levi can’t help but mutter, and that earns another smile from Erwin.

“Yeah,” Erwin breathes.

And then, Levi is lunging forward to kiss him again, this time more hungry, desperate. He can taste himself on Erwin’s tongue and honestly, it just spurs him onward because it’s something he  _ never _ could have imagined. 

Soon, Levi is breathlessly rocking his hips up against Erwin’s, his arms wrapped around Erwin’s shoulders while Erwin braces himself over him. As they kiss, the notion that they fit together perfectly like this, that it feels so  _ right _ crosses Levi’s mind, and he quickly realizes that he’s never wanted anyone,  _ anything _ more than the man on top of him. 

And he has him.

Eventually, they part, Erwin taking the moment to kiss along Levi’s jawline, and honestly, Levi can’t take it anymore. 

“Erwin,” he gasps, voice breathless,  _ wrecked, _ despite the fact that they haven’t even really  _ done _ much yet. “Erwin, I want you - I -  _ fuck  _ \- can we - do you -”

He can’t quite string together the right sentence, but he’s sure that Erwin gets the gist of it when he sits up just enough to look him in the eyes. “You sure?”

And  _ god,  _ Levi’s going to kill Erwin later for asking that question so many times, but at the same time, he wouldn’t be the man that Levi fell in love with if he didn’t. Any other man would have taken Levi right then and there with the way he was practically begging, but not Erwin, who wants to make sure that Levi  _ really  _ wants this, after all this time. 

Levi sits up to press a kiss to Erwin’s lips, then, pulling away just far enough to look him in the eyes, he murmurs, voice low, “I want you to fuck me. If that’s what you want.”

Then, they’re kissing again, and in between lips and tongue, Erwin manages to mutter,  _ “Yeah,”  _ then softer,  _ “Yeah, Levi.” _

It takes too much self-control for Levi to let Erwin stand a few moments later to retrieve a bottle of lube from his nightstand, and he almost screams when Erwin pauses about halfway back to the bed.

“I don’t have condoms.”

“I have some in my room,” Levi is responds, but quickly, before he can stop himself, adds, “But I’m clean, if you don’t wanna - I mean, I don’t mind -”

He wants to tell Erwin that he hasn’t been with anyone else in ages, that he never wants to be with anyone else again, but the words get caught in his throat. Apparently, his gaze gives him away, though, because after only a moment of hesitation, Erwin is climbing back in bed, murmuring a soft,  _ “Okay.” _

And Levi was well aware that this was  _ real, _ that this wasn’t an amazing dream or his imagination, long before they even found their way into Erwin’s bed, but it isn’t until one of Erwin’s slick digits is pressing against his hole that Levi realizes that this is  _ actually happening.  _ He can’t help the gasp that leaves his throat when Erwin begins to gently press a finger inside of him, and immediately Erwin stills. 

“Levi, I -”

“You’re good,” Levi sighs. He even rocks his hips back against Erwin for good measure, “You’re not going to hurt me. Promise.” 

Thankfully, Erwin takes his words to heart - thankfully, because Levi is sure he’d explode if Erwin keeps moving tortuously slow - and before long he’s pumping three fingers in and out of Levi, silencing soft sighs and gasps when he hits just the right spot with sloppy kisses. It has Levi rocking against him, gasping out between kisses and struggling not to beg Erwin to just fuck him, to stop fingering him and get on with it, to -

_ “Fuck,” _ Levi gasps when Erwin presses at just the right angle, “Erwin, I - fuck - please -”

Well, so much for not begging. 

Surprisingly, Erwin doesn’t ask Levi if he’s sure, or if he’s ready, either out of respect for the man basically pleading beneath him or his own desperation. Instead, he slowly withdraws his fingers, then Levi hears the pop of the cap on the lube and moments later, Erwin is shifting, hooking one of Levi’s legs on his arm, and positing himself. 

When Erwin eventually presses inside, Levi would like to say that he sees stars - and he does, really - but honestly, he just wants  _ more. _ While he appreciates the gentleness,  _ god, _ nobody has ever been this gentle with him, he also wants to  _ feel _ Erwin. He wants Erwin to bottom out, gasp his name and completely lose control. He wants Erwin to hold him down and kiss him breathless and fuck him hard, he wants -

_ He wants Erwin. _ Actually, it truly doesn’t even matter how. He just wants Erwin more than he’s ever wanted anyone else, and he can slowly feel himself losing his grip on reality at the idea of it, a thousand memories rushing back to him, yet this moment, right here is the only one that matters. 

Erwin, so tenderly, rocks his hips, pressing deeper into him and Levi can’t help the shuddering moan that he lets out in response. 

Then, Erwin's leaning down, pressing a soft kiss to Levi’s lips. Then another, and another, and eventually, they’re breathing together, kissing and sighing and Levi’s arching up into the touch and  _ fuck  _

“You okay?” Erwin murmurs, voice thick.

Levi wants to laugh at the question because  _ yeah, _ he’s more than okay, but he can’t. Instead, he simply nods, fingers digging into Erwin’s shoulders and mutters, “I’m not fragile, y’know.”

And there’s  _ something  _ about the way Erwin’s voice sounds when he simply replies,  _ “I know,” _ that sends a thrill up Levi’s spine. Maybe it’s because Erwin saw him kill countless titans with grace and ease in a past lifetime, because he saw Levi take on beasts that would make any man twice his size cower, but Levi could do it without breaking a sweat. Because he watched Levi try to walk off a nearly fractured ankle like it was nothing and make difficult decisions that not even the most experienced commanders could make and - _ fuck. _

Yeah, Erwin knows that Levi isn’t fragile, and the thought, for some reason, has Levi exhaling a stuttering moan, has him rocking back against Erwin and throwing his head back in pleasure. It isn’t long before they eventually build up a rhythm, Levi’s hips arching up to meet Erwin’s thrusts, and Levi should be embarrassed at how close he is to coming already, without even being touched, but he can’t bring himself to care when it’s Erwin’s weight on top of him, Erwin fucking into him, Erwin pressing their lips together, then their foreheads as their breath intermingles. 

Levi loses himself, crying out in pleasure when Erwin hits just the right spot and when Erwin eventually reaches between them, stroking him to release. 

Levi comes first, his back arching off the bed, eyes screwed shut and mouth open on a silent scream, and doesn’t take long before Erwin is coming, too, spilling hot inside of him, his face buried in the crook of his neck. 

And for a moment, time sort of just stands still. For a moment, Levi just lets himself  _ float  _ like this, lying in bed with Erwin, blissed out and not even bothering to try to wrap his head around what just happened. And okay, maybe  _ this _ is his favorite memory with Erwin, now, just lying here, holding him, being held by him.

Erwin eventually shifts, and when he does, their eyes meet for a brief second before he’s offering Levi a warm smile and dipping down to capture his lips in a soft kiss. 

Levi doesn’t bother moving after they clean up. Instead, he lounges in Erwin’s bed, drifting in and out of consciousness with the other man’s arm wrapped around his middle. It feels so  _ natural.  _ So right. It’s everything that Levi has dreamt of for as long as he can remember, and when he falls asleep, he does so thinking that  _ this _ is where he belongs. This was worth waiting for. 

When he eventually wakes, it’s to the realization that this  _ isn’t  _ a dream. Erwin’s arm is still wrapped around him, their bodies pressed together beneath the sheets, and Levi turns to face the man next to him, eyes adjusting to the late afternoon light filtering in through his bedroom window. 

“Hey,” Levi is the first to speak, voice just above a whisper, when he realizes that Erwin is awake. 

Erwin offers Levi a warm smile in response, reaching out to brush messy hair from Levi’s eyes. “How did you sleep?”

Levi snorts out a laugh. “Like the dead. Is it bad that I’m already hungry again?”

A soft puff of air leaves Erwin’s nose. A fond laugh. “No, I could eat. Do you want to order pizza?”

It’s such a mundane conversation, especially considering that they’re both still naked, that just a few hours ago, Levi was practically begging Erwin to fuck him. How could Levi ever think that this would change things between them? Of course things will change - Levi will be able to hold Erwin’s hand in public, kiss him whenever he wants, whisper filthy shit in his ear when they’re sitting on the couch - but  _ this, _ their bond… He was stupid for ever thinking that it would change. 

Levi hums. “Pizza sounds good. I really don’t wanna leave the house today. Or cook.”

The fingers that brushed the hair from Levi’s face are now dancing gently down his cheek, his chin, grazing the purpling bruises on his neck. “No?”

“Nah,” Levi leans into the touch. “I’m hungover as fuck. And I could think of plenty of things I’d rather do instead.”

Erwin raises his eyebrows. “Oh? Like what?”

“Jesus,” Levi rolls his eyes. “Come here, you pervert.”

Then, he’s leaning forward to kiss Erwin. It’s lazier, a little less urgent than the kisses that they shared earlier, but no less meaningful. 

“Why didn’t we do this sooner?” Levi asks once they part again, his voice low, fingers carding through Erwin’s hair  _ just because he can. _

Erwin chuckles in response. “That’s a good question, knowing what I know now.” He leans forward to press another quick kiss to Levi’s lips. “It feels stupid, really.”

Levi huffs out a quiet laugh. “It does, doesn’t it?”

“But it makes this better, now,” Erwin muses, “It was worth the wait.”

“It damn well better have been,” Levi retorts, earning another laugh from his lover.

_ His lover. _ God that’ll never get old.

Then, before they can get carried away, hands roaming underneath the sheets, Levi mutters, “So. You promised me pizza.” 

The rest of the afternoon and into the evening is spent in a similar fashion. Levi wills himself to get up  _ and  _ get dressed (despite the fact that he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of the day in bed with Erwin) and they eventually migrate into the living room, where they spend their time lounging around, eating, talking and, of course, making out. 

It’s an uneventful afternoon, all things considered, but it feels  _ right, _ spending time with Erwin like this. Although Levi has always considered Erwin his closest confidant and best friend, it’s exciting, getting to know him in an entirely new way, more than a lifetime into their relationship. 

“Do you have any regrets?” Levi asks later in the evening, leaning into Erwin’s solid form as they sit together on the sofa. Erwin’s arm is draped comfortably around his shoulders and there’s a movie playing on the TV, but Levi couldn’t tell you what was playing to save his life. The volume is turned almost all the way down as he and Erwin talk, reminiscing on their past life and their childhood this time around. It’s a deep question, but Levi doesn’t feel any trepidation asking it.

Erwin hums thoughtfully in response. “Not kissing you at homecoming, our sophomore year,” he answers after a beat of silence. 

Levi sits up a little to look at him, an amused smile on his face. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Not at all,” Erwin says with a laugh. “I honestly thought about telling you then. I remember picking you up and you looked - you looked so handsome, Levi.”

“Huh,” Levi mutters, “And all along I thought homecoming was a pity thing because I didn’t have a date.”

“God no,” Erwin assures, “I meant it when I said there was nobody I’d rather go with.”

“So why didn’t you tell me?” Levi asks, a smirk finding its way onto his face. It’s not like he can talk - he’s been harboring those feelings for just as long and he didn’t act on them either - but it’s refreshing to know that he wasn’t alone. 

“I really wanted to,” Erwin recalls, a far-away tone in his voice, “But I remember worrying about what would happen if you didn’t feel the same way. I was scared that it would ruin our friendship, so I didn’t.”

“God, we were both such idiots,” Levi retorts with a laugh. He leans back against Erwin, who pulls him a bit closer once more with an arm around him. 

After a moment of silence, Erwin directs the question back at Levi. “What about you? Do you have any regrets?”

“Yeah,” Levi answers without hesitation, “Not telling you how much I loved you the first time around, when you were still alive.”

It’s something that Levi had to live with long after Erwin was gone. For years, he wondered if it would have changed anything, if their fate would have remained the same if he had just  _ said something. _ Logically, he knew that on the off-chance that his feelings were reciprocated, Erwin would always put the mission and the good of humanity above himself or anyone else, no matter how  _ in love _ they were. He knew that Erwin probably still would have sacrificed himself and, as much as it hurt to do so, Levi would have let him go that fateful day on the rooftop just the same, but it didn’t stop him from wondering  _ what if. _

It probably would have hurt just as much, if not more, to lose Erwin if they were together back then, but it didn’t stop Levi from daydreaming about running away, taking Erwin and leaving it all behind. Maybe they could have settled down in the woods, lived a quiet life, a life that they  _ deserved, _ if he would have just  _ told him. _

But he didn’t, and they didn’t. And Levi regretted it every day until he died. 

The word slips out so easily now, that it almost feels like second nature. It almost surprises Levi, and it _absolutely_ surprises Erwin, judging by his reaction.

“Levi -” his soft voice cuts through his thoughts and anchors him back in the now. He sounds pained, and Levi shifts once more to look him in the eyes. Icy blues cut right to his soul.

“But I can do that now, I guess,” he continues, before Erwin can say something self-deprecating or remorseful. “Right?”

The smile that lights up Erwin’s face in response is something that Levi will remember for the rest of his life. It’s this far away, sad, yet joyful thing, two lifetimes worth of emotion and pain and  _ love _ all wrapped up in it, and  _ god, _ if Levi didn’t know it before, he surely does now. 

He loves this man. 

He can’t remember when he started loving Erwin. He just  _ did. _ He just  _ does. _ It’s the only thing he’s ever been entirely sure of his whole life. Both lives. 

He loves Erwin. 

Erwin’s voice is soft, breathless when he murmurs, “Right,” as if he doesn’t quite believe the words coming out of Levi’s mouth, and in a weird way, that makes this so much sweeter. Because it’s then that Levi realizes that Erwin has felt the same way all along, that he thought he’d never hear these words too. 

So Levi makes a point of leaning forward, cradling Erwin’s face in his hands when he speaks, his voice low and soft and sure -

“I love you, Erwin. I did back then and I do now. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure of.” 

Erwin makes a wounded sound in the back of his throat at Levi’s words, his eyes glassy, but his smile unwavering. It’s the most beautiful thing that Levi has ever seen. 

And when he speaks, it’s like music to Levi’s ears. 

“I’ve always loved you, Levi,” he murmurs reverently, “I always have and always will.”

Then, he’s leaning forward, capturing Levi’s parted lips in a soft kiss. And although Levi still isn’t quite sure how he got lucky enough to end up here with Erwin, although he still doesn’t necessarily believe in heaven or hell - if this  _ is _ the afterlife, then it isn’t so bad. 


End file.
